Life...or something like it (At least I don't live on a dumpsite)

"Life or something like it" is the title of an Angelina Jolie movie where she plays a ditzy blonde reporter who is told she's gonna die so she lives life to the fullest.....or something like that, can't really remember. The basic message behind it was we're all gonna die, fug everything and enjoy yourself. I got to thinking about that one day I thought what if you're told you'll be dead in say a week and you decide to live it up, do all the things you've always wanted to do, some good, some bad and then you don't die. You live...for a very long time for that matter, say for another 60, 70 years, you'll have to spend all that time atoning for whatever crap you got up to in that one halcyon week when you thought your whole world was gonna end. So really, that whole cliche of "life is short, enjoy yourself' is very dangerous. Life is not short, life is very, very long and you better treat it with care or else you'll spend a long time regretting many things.

It's not all doom and gloom this morning, I'm actually in a fabulous mood. I got my hair did yesterday and I gotta tell you, its on point! I'm looking all kinds of fierce (Manix 08035274712, tell him I sent you). I just took an exam for entry for Associate Membership of the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators and I'm pretty sure I aced it, my birthday is in 2 weeks, one of my besties is getting married soon so a whole crew of besties are coming into town for a wild week, work is good, family is great, finances...fantastic! In other words I have a LOT to be thankful for, but a lot of people do not....

I spent the whole of last night watching the BBC documentary "Welcome to Lagos" and to say it was shocking was an understatement. Every day I have something to complain about; can't find anything to wear to work; the commute is annoying; colleagues are getting on my nerves; brought turkey instead of chicken as lunch; clients are making me wanna tear my hair out; don't have enough money to go have drinks after work so I decide to go home instead and I'm stuck in traffic for 4 hours........All these pale into insignificance when you watch human beings scrabbling like ants over other people's rubbish and living on a dump site. It really puts life in perspective. That documentary is a must-see, the people that were portrayed on there and the communities they inhabit are a mere 30 minutes from where I live, yet it seems like 2 different worlds. Since I saw it, things have happened this morning that would normally upset, didn't even make me turn a hair

I stubbed my toe getting outta bed this morning.......at least I don't live om a dumpsite
There was traffic on the way to work.......at least I don't live on a dumpsite
A huge mistake was made on a client's account, heads must roll and the most likely head is mine......at least I don't live on a dumpsite

Seriously! It's a great mantra, when I prayed this morning one of the things i was thankful for was the fact that I did not live on a dumpsite. It brings home the fact that I'm living this comfortable life and these people are living "life or something like it". A Hammer Horror version of what I live. After watching people living like animals practically on my doorstep, I've resolved to do something about it and I'll need help, a lot of help. I'm not sure how exactly I'm gonna do what it is I have to do, I just know somehow its gonna get done. People need help, so many people need help and the things we think are trash are somebody else's gold.

I've already spoken with the President of a charity called Confraternity of Friends for Humanity Association (COFFHA) of which my mum is a member and they have pledged their support towards whatever I come up with. I've spoken with the partners at my frim and they have also pledged their support. Basically I'm going to start a charity of my own to contribute towards these people's lives, my charity is not going to deal with anything financial but solely goods i.e. clothes, shoes, bags, hats, pots, pans, plates, cutlery, notebooks, furniture, accessories......anything and everything that anybody can donate to alleviate their suffering a little bit. Its going to be a long road, I can't just march into these disadvantaged communities and start doling clothes out of a suitcase, I have to liaise with the Lagos State Government, with charities already operating in that area, the local groups and their leaders, incorporate a charity and fulfil all the requirements. So its a work in progress that I intend to devote all the time that I have to. When it's all properly set up and I have some sort of structure in place, I will put up all necessary information up here and an address where donations can be sent to (remember, nothing financial, only goods).

I don't know why this has affected me so much, best believe I'm as shallow as they come, I have about as much depth as a thimble and my selfishness is legendary, but there's something about watching people scrabbling against all odds not to buy the latest car or Brazilian hair or a house in Lekki or any of that superficial nonsense, but simply to survive, to go to bed and have the luxury of waking up, to even find somewhere to go to bed. That kind of poverty is humbling and even Scarlett O'Hara (another famously selfish individual and my personal literary heroine)would not be able to ignore it.

At every point in our lives we hear the voice of God....last night I think I heard mine.

Beautiful Ugly

Desnudate is a word meaning to get naked. Its totally one of my favourite words right now (i can't explain why) I just love saying it Desnudate..Desnudate..Desnudate! Desnudate!! Desnudate!!!!. Compared to its alternatives; off cloth, take of your clothes, wepu akwa gi, enlevez vos vêtements; its a huge improvement.

Dunno why I love it, I just do.

When you kiss me
The world stops moving
Everything and everyone is rooted to the spot
Transfixed by our oral love making
Ever so slowly you begin at my forehead
The tip of my nose
My lips, parting greedily
Hungrily awaiting the moment
Yours possess mine
Softly, sweetly
Then overwhelmed by our mutual passion
You devour me

I wrote this poem sometime in 2006, but it wasn't related to anyone then, it was just random scribbles but last week, Monday to be exact, I found my kisser...my future inspiration for a past poem.

I hate being an adult, I wanna be 17 again, this has nothing to do with the movie and everything to do with my 17th year being the most amazing year of my life.

I want you and I hate you.

I'm officially poor...Indian hair, clothes, plane tickets and jewelery will do that to a girl.

I LOVE my friends, I just wanna propose to all of them and marry them in a mass ceremony in India and live forever with my harem of gorgeous friends.

Je pense que je deviens fou, I really think I am. That will be an interesting alternative to the life I'm currently living. I'd love to view life from the perspective of an unbalanced mind. Maybe I am already and I don't even know it and judging by this post its very likely.

I apologize immensely for the randomness that ensued above, I'm not crazy just very, very bored.

AND SHE'S BACK

Its been exactly 6 months since I last blogged and I can't claim to have been so busy that I was unable to find time, I have actually been extremely busy but more so I reached a place in my life where I felt like less was more. We live in the TMI age where nothing is off limits, where camera's follow people around while they live their daily lives, where childbirth is broadcasted on national tv, where someone doesn't even need gps or whatever to track a person, just follow them on twitter and you can find out everything about a person.

It just became a bit much and for a while I was living in the 1950's. Thankfully I copped on to myself and returned to 2010, realizing that bbm, twitter, facebook, cnectd, blogging etc are so much more than people just giving others voyeuristic inroads into their lives but have become an instant news source, it has created various ways with which to get in touch with a person *sidebar* (i love the scene in "he's just not that into you" where Drew Barrymore says, the days have passed where you could just call a guy and he wouldn't pick up, now he can ignore you, on email, pager, myspace, facebook). In this curent technological climate we can add bbm and twitter to the mix, so many ways of getting in touch with people, its mind boggling.

Anyhoo, I'm not saying I'm gonna be blogging as constantly as before but I guess when I have something to say, spit on or spew about, I'll come on here instead of boring my friends to tears with my rants.

Il est grand d'être de retour!

Y'all need to check out this blog, www.makywaky.blogspot.com, certified fabulousity!

Long Time Coming

The sick dress and unnecessary but insane leather gloves I wore to the dinner my parents had for me to celebrate my being Called to the Bar


Barrister So Special

I was afraid my blogville visa might have expired, I haven't blogged in sooo long. So much has been going on you wouldn't believe, so here's a quick rundown:

1) I had a fab fab holiday, stocked up on baffs to wow them in the workplace

2) Got my result, Blogville's very own 3WP made a 2:1 or 2nd Class Upper to be more formal. *my cup runneth over*

3) Fell in love

4) Started NYSC and experienced the strangeness of my country Nigeria when all female corpers were forced to take mandatory pregnancy tests. (i have to digress, the experience was too fantastic to just gloss over) Got to camp in Iyana Ipaja in Lagos and was told that before I start registering I have to take a pregnancy test. So I and my friend Ediri were like no biggie, lets go find a lab, "no uh" says the NYSC official "you take the test here in camp". So we were like cool, "where?". The dude now points to this impossibly long line where you can't even tell whats going on up ahead. So we joined the line and stood under the blazing sun for exactly 2hours and 36 minutes (i kid you not). Getting to the front of the line I was confronted by Auschwitz or Bergen-Belsen in Nigerian form, I was given this little, dinky plastic bottle and sent to some kind of sunken patch of grass. My modesty was being protected by tattered hospital screens and piles of matresses, there were now these 3 'nurses' sat there watching all the girls pee. We had to squat (need I remind you that this is all taking place outside) over the plastic bottles and pee in them in full view of the 'nurses'. They were there to make sure we didnt substitute non-preggers pee for preggers pee because married women are not allowed to take part in NYSC. So each 'nurse ' was assigned to a girl and she'd bend down until she was in full view of your privates and from time to time yell out "open am well, make i see the piss". It was a miracle that I was even able to perform under such circustances. Anti-bacterial hand wash and sanitizers were in hot demand that day.

5) Got an exeat from camp and took off for Abuja for my call to bar. Call Week was the bunzest, there were parties every night, I and my friends partied like it was 1999, too effing mad! Had my own dinner and after party on the 6th after my Call.

6) Got Called to the Bar, it might be a bit sappy but I swear I got goosebumps when the Chairman of the Body of Benchers said "I now formally invite you all and severally to the Nigeiran Bar, you may now put on your wigs", or some ish like that.

7) Came back to Lagos, went to camp the next day. Escaped from camp that same night around 11pm under the cover of darkness wearing hastily purchased 'okrika' clothes (which I bought for N500). I couldn't escape in my clothes or the NYSC kit because I'd be caught, so I was told to dress like the market women that work in the mammy market, bathroom slippers and all then maybe I could get through the gates. I and Ediri deserved Oscars that night because we played our mammy market role to the hilt, we even threw out some choice Yoruba phrases as we passed the soldiers.

8) Fell out of love

9) Managed to finally acquire exeats so I'm now free to go in and out of camp as i plese, no more subterfuge. Youth service is not for the faint of heart.

So that's been all so far, hegziting non?

ON DISTRICT 9

Like everyone else I'd been seeing trailers for the movie 'District 9' for a couple of months now but I'd never really rated it as a 'must see', alien invasions; not my thing. Then last week I heard that it had been pulled from all the cinemas in Nigeria and Information Minister; Dora Akunyili had [on behalf of Nigeria] written a letter to Sony Entertainment, who distributes 'District 9' to edit out the scenes in which Nigerians were portrayed in a not so favourable light.

Of course that got my amebo juices flowing and I had to go see what all the fuss was about, so one cold, windy night in Canary Wharf, I and my friends formed a Nigerian contingent and went to see what the dilly was. Let's just say I came out of there pissed as hell! I'm not an overly patriotic Nigerian but that movie was an effing piss take, they managed to insult us as a nation on every level. Not to be a complete hater, it was a good movie, engaging, action packed etc, i mean it wasn't my thing but I was able to sit through it [though I think that had more to do with the 8 pounds I paid to see the damn thing, compared to the 500 naira I usually pay at Silverbird or the 150 naira I'd have given to my homie down the road who'd have hit me up wit a bootleg right quick].

But I digress, back to the point 'District 9' is about aliens and humans co-existing side by side in Johannesburg and the movie begins when the South African government try to relocate the aliens from District 9 to another district where they won't be in such proximity with humans. So where my poor countrymen come in, is that within District 9, they're the only humans that live there and they're involved in arms selling, trading with the aliens, cannibalism, ritual killing, inter-species prostitution [wtf!] and the biggest insult of all, the gang leader is called 'Obasanjo'!. Now I'm all for freedom of expression and media and press or whatnot, after all I'm a writer, but this is actually extreme. In the first instance the movie is directed by a South African , Neill Blomkamp and set in South Africa but I can count on one hand how many times South Africa was mentioned in that movie, what I kept hearing was 'the Nigerians' this and 'the Nigerians' that. They made sure they didn't leave the viewers in any doubt as to who the criminals in the movie were, we were basically reduced to the level of the aliens maybe even lower, as in INTER SPECIES PROSTITUTION!!! What the hell! Nigerian girls sleeping with the aliens, who btw looked like giant prawns. I left the cinema thoroughly disgusted. Plus the sheer audacity of naming the gang leader Obasanjo was mind boggling, granted he's no Winston Churchill but that was just immensely disrespectful. Imagine Nigerian filmmakers making movies about South African gangsters and naming the leader Nelson Mandela, I doubt if that will fly. If they wanted that calibre of people in their movie seeing as the movie is set in Johannesburg, why not make the gangsters local South Africans? Instead they had to go all the way to West Africa and put Nigerians in a movie that should not have concerned them in the first place.

At the end of the movie, I actually stayed behind so I could see the credits and see if any Nigerian was foolish enough to actually be a cast member and what did I see? A foolish Nigerian called SAINT GREGORY NWOKEDI [we need to find this dude and set him straight]. How much could they have paid that man to appear in a movie that portrayed his country in such a damnable light, plus he's an Ibo man, I know my kinsmen like the Benjamins but I didn't think it was to this level. I am very dissapointed in the entire production team and I wholeheartedly support the Nigerian governments stand of banning 'District 9' from all the cinemas, at leat we won't participate in helping the movie make any more money.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a lot of flak over this but I don't care. Some people are saying its Nigeria's fault in the first place because of the way we portray ourselves in Nollywood movies but I tell you, Nollywood is very far from District 9. The light in which my country is cast in this movie is a very unforgiving light and most people may think its not that serious and people don't really pay attention to things like this, but you'd be surprised at the kind of things the human brain internalizes. There are too many misinformed people in this world and movies like District 9 compund this misinformation, people who have no idea what Ngeria is like would have an even worse idea after seeing this movie. For example that gbegborun Perez Hilton put up a post about it and said maybe the Nigerian government should focus on running their country and not bothering about movies. To correct the misinformed Mr Hilton, only the Ministry of Information is involved in the boycotting of District 9 and it is their job to preserve Nigeria's public image as that ministry is essentially Nigeria's PR agency, so dude get your facts straight before mouthing off.

In conclusion, everybody go see that movie, we need to know what we're up against in this world but i urge you, if you're not Nigerian, to regard the scenes containing Nigerians as utter fabrication. Like every other country we have our problems but we did not deserve District 9. Oh and newsflash the FBI list of top internet scam countries goes thus:
1) United States of America - 66%
2) United Kingdom - 10%
3) Nigeria - 7%

Well what do we have here, a mere 7%, whoulda thunk it? Someone needs to go tell the ad agency that handles the Sony Playstation 3 account, me thinks that ad has got to be re-written as "an American internet millionaire" non?

UNO MOMENTO

Wanna take a minute to let y'all now that I'm having a blast! Its been a jumpoff night after night, pictures when I get back to Nigeria. To all my darlings taking care of me (Achike, Hilda, Ediri, Biz) love you guys!

P.S. Going for a Derby match this Sunday, Man U vs Man City. I'm not a soccer fan but I'm super super excited. going to make a lot of people veeery jealous (you know yourselves). Look out for me on the North Stand, Tier 3, Row 3, Seat 90. I'm gonna be the girl in the Spitfire, taking pictures of Rooney, Scholes, Robinho, Adebayor and co and bb'ing them to my brother who's gonna be weeping with envy.

Oh yeah and if any of y'all reading this are in London, hit me up, I'm a jobless woman

Bisous xxx

MIA......NOT!!!!

Ok I know exams been over for almost a month now but I've been too busy partying, sleeping and eating (not necessarily in that order) to visit Blogville. Anyhoo, wassup people! So much has happened I don't even know where to start, most of it is not quite PG so will never make an appearance here and the rest is not just public fodder. Its times like this I regret being a non-anonymous blogger because I can't be as expressive as I want, whatever sha, I've made my four poster, I might as well lie in it.

During exams I was a total mess, not sleeping, migraines, the works. so I've been making sure I catch up with the rest of the world once I got out of that prison called Bwari and that obviously means having an uber active social life. Basically when I was younger I was super, super shy ( not the bold bitch I am now) and any contact with the opposite sex was severely limited, so i was a veeery late bloomer; in every sense of the word, then I thought life ended at 19. I now know that I'm not even close to my peak, not even by an inch, first of all I'm way hotter now than I was when I was 20 and I know I'll be hotter in my 30's and I've suddenly recovered from the disease of 'i must marry' and for the first time in my life I'm having a ball playing the field, lol (too many cliche's I know). What I'm trying to say amidst all these ramblings is, maybe my mother did jazz for me or my pheromones got heightened or I don't know what the heck happened but I've suddenly become the flavour of the month, every day! Not like I wasn't ardently pursued before but now its verging on the ridiculous, fun but slightly freaky. I guess I'll just enjoy my Adaku Revival while its still going strong before some intrepid dude comes and traps me again.

Life is too freakin fabulous! Lol, I'm sure some of y'all are thinking I'm probably slightly unbalanced now but I just can't articulate how great my life is right now here because I have to be on that privacy p from time to time. Oh yeah, almost forgot..... I have a HUGE, HUGE, FABULOUS project in the works right now. I've been tapped to be an integral part of something that gonna revolutionize the Nigerian music, fashion and lifestyle industry and I'm sooo excited about it. Can"t go into details now because it hasn't launched yet, but when it does I promise its gonna be LEGENDARY and y'all are gonna be the first to know about it.

Its a whole new 3WP phase and y"all are coming with me. I promise to be more post friendly and whatever gist can possibly make the grade will def get on here. Oh snap! Nearly forgot, last weekend was live! Haven't been out properly in Lagos in eons and I did the rounds on Friday, damn it was mad. Went to support my homie Sammie, where he was performing at Swe Bar, headed to Caliente which wasn't saying much, then.......I went to Insomnia and it just felt like I was back in the 70's partying at Studio 54 wuth Marisa Berenson, Andy Warhol and Janice Dickinson. The music was wild, the people were beautiful, the shayo was flowing...it was a great night. It was like Hot Guys Inc. exploded in there, I and my friends just held our breath collectively and dived right in and I ended the night by being chased by the police, having an accident (mild one) and getting stuck in a sand bar somewhere off Lekki Epe expressway between 2nd and 3rd roundabout and having to be rescued by some very dubious looking dudes (who turned out to be our saviours).

It was good, clean, juvenile fun and I can now resume my job of being an adult and a barrister no less. First of all though, a well deserved vacay, London in 6 days time (yay!) where I'm going to be reunited with xxx. Good times, lol, a bientot xxx