What A Guy Wants Pt 2

Two posts ago I talked about the unattainable standards society set for women to achieve in order to score the man of their dreams. A male friend of mine read it and after laughing at me for a few days said he was going to write a response to my "unnecessary" (his words) rant. See below:


WHAT A GUY WANTS…
Daks doesn’t always breathe fire, but when she does, feel free to run screaming in any direction AWAY from the flames. Do not act like me and put on some flame-retardant suit (notice the word “retard” is in there) and run towards her, Robert Redford you are not. At first I thought, man, this post is full of holes! But I didn’t say that to her. Neither did I compliment her (believe me she noticed), I just said, I’d write a response, and so I have. (after setting my affairs in order and taking out a hefty insurance policy)

Women’s magazines are a trip, and I do not speak from a place of ignorance on this. My mother had an ungodly supply of Cosmo, Redbook, People, etc which I used to feed my voracious appetite for reading material. She’s right about the slant towards pleasing your man above all things. But it’s quite obvious that men need only 3 things…
1. Food
2. Sex
3. You to shut up when the game is on TV

Most women know this, yet are still snake-charmed into buying the “99-ways to tell if he loves you” edition of Cosmo with the mind-bending bustier of Penelope Cruz on the cover.

Why you ask?

Because women are very, very complicated and hence, cannot fathom that men can actually be different (read: simple). These writers realize that, and choose to bolster the insecurities of these women in order to make money. Men’s magazines do the opposite. The editor knows that if he puts out a PRIME tip that works wonders he will sell a ridiculous amount of magazines. This is why when FHM published “the Altoid trick” I became a lifetime subscriber.

But back to the main issue…*ahem*

Daks thinks that men have a ridiculous set of criteria for the women they wish to bless with marriage, and this clusterfuck has been propagated by women’s magazines with their laundry lists of Stepford-type brainwashing.

*shrug*

Men DO want a lot, and we happen to be totally unreasonable about it. Guess what? Why don’t the women put their collective foot down and say “NO”? No more Betty Crocker-Sasha Grey crossovers. Make it a “take-it or leave-it” transaction with added emphasis on whether or not the man meets the basic standards of the woman in question. There's the simple answer: “good” men are in short supply, so women being women, endeavor to scheme their way to the man of their choosing; whether it be by performing Julia Child-like miracles in the kitchen; bamboozling him with unspeakable sexual antics; or generally bending over backwards to cater to his every whim, to their own detriment, because the “mystery” that all women possess is then sacrificed out of desperation.

That mystery is that THING that women have that brings men to their knees, that certain air, that je nais se quoi, the thing all men wish to possess and control but never seem to get a firm grasp on.

It is the thing that ensures that no man should ever TOTALLY have a woman figured out. Once that happens…the fire burns out. The power shifts, and then women scramble to regain his interest, his passion, but the mystery might never return if you just let it go. If I was the editor-in-chief of Cosmo/Glamour etc my articles would focus on teaching women one simple thing: How to keep the “mystery” alive. Tips and tricks on how to keep the guy YOU want interested. Even AFTER you snag him. His interest will always be up, and his demands will go down, because he will always think that he has an AMAZING woman in his corner and will not feel he has to ask for anything.
But

There are some who think that this is all balderdash and poppycock. That they are just fine with the status quo as evidenced by Daks’ post.
Well there’s always the possibility that you will end up like this sad excuse for a female
[Oprah & Steve Harvey with a woman for 40+ requirements for the man she would date/marry]


TWP
*Now if I understand the above correctly, the writer says apart from food, sex and sports related silence, all men want is for their woman to be mysterious, to constantly keep them guessing. This still brings me back to my earlier rants, WE'RE BOTH SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING. That is not simple, it is not easy to be mysterious, mystery is not wired into a human being's dna, it takes work therefore you're still going back to my argument that men expect too much from women. No woman would want their man to go around being all mysterious and ish. i think we're at an impasse, I tire jare, just do you, anybody that doesn't like it can like to use ogbono for skipping rope. KMT.*

pps: what is the "altoid" trick?

EX-RULES GIRL

*WARNING* Emotional post ahead, this should be my first and last insight into my private life. #OkThanksReadOn

It seems like I've been on a bit of a battle of the sexes or relationship type p lately but that's just the place I'm in right now.

Have you guys ever heard of this book "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider? As posted in their Wikipedia page, "The book argues that in order to attract and marry the man of her dreams, a woman should be 'hard to get'. A woman who follows "the rules" is called a Rules Girl. The underlying philosophy of which is that women should not aggressively pursue men, but rather ought to get the men to pursue them."

A few years ago I read this book and became an instant "Rules Girl", I followed the directives to a tee, and some gems include:

# Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
# Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
# Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
# Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
# Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
# Always End Phone Calls and dates First
# Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after 3:00PM.
# Fill Up Your Time before the Date
# ALWAYS end the date first
# Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
# Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
# No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
# Don't Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates
# Don't Tell Him What to Do
# Let Him Take the Lead
# Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
# Don’t Open Up Too Fast
# Be Honest but Mysterious

I cannot lie, The Rules worked beautifully, I had guys hanging from the rafters and I'm sure some of them did not even understand why they were panting after me but that aura of unavailability was too seductive to resist. The fatal flaw as I later discovered was what happens after you've snagged the man of your dreams, do you keep being a Rules Girl or drop the act?

Humans being more or less animals with developed brain matter, at some point revert to type, no matter how long you've been able to pretend to be something you're not your true nature always pushes through and because you love this man you schemed to capture, you're going to want to show it. You're going to want to let him know when he hurts you, let him know if you're thinking about him 37 times a day, basically let him know you care. According to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider however, you have to keep practicing The Rules forever, you should never drop the act, you have to keep being the one who loves the least and therefore has the power.

That makes for a very unhappy relationship though and I should know, I applied The Rules diligently. I always had the power, I always had the boyfriends tripping over themselves to please me, to give me everything I wanted, my wish was their command. Which is why my relationships never lasted because I was racked by indecision, "did he really like me or was it just because I was running advanced game?", "did I really like them or did I just enjoy the effect I had on them?". I got called a lot of names; cold, tough girl, hard, unfeeling......when I was tired of the relationships I just bailed, most times without explanation. I have the unique position of never having being dumped, never having a broken heart because I worked diligently to make sure that never happened to me.

I knew I was scared of being that girl but it never made sense to me why I should be afraid of being dumped because how can you fear that which you have never experienced?

Early last year though after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years, I had a long talk with myself. what I was doing basically made no sense, I schemed and planned and plotted to get people who already wanted me in the first place. I was playing games where I thought I was the winner but I was actually losing steadily because after a while the constant unavailability was hard to keep up. Honestly though, its not my fault we're conditioned to behave like this by unbelievable media and societal pressure, but now I just think I don't give a f**k anymore. Some couples stay fronting for each other even after marriage, you see a husband and wife and they're all uptight around each other, putting on airs and graces in front of their life partner...God forbid.

I will never be the kind of girl who can walk up to a guy and ask for his number, or call him first or pursue him. However, I have become the kind of girl that:
#Will smile and carry on a conversation when he approaches me rather than keeping my face like five naira and acting like my s**t don't stink.
#Will call him whenever I feel like it ( I once had a rule that I never spoke to a guy after 9pm and before 10am, smh at myself).
#Will tell him I'm thinking about him even when he hasn't said it that day.
#Will show genuine interest in a guy and not make him feel I was doing him a favour by being with him(another Adaku special)
#Will actually go out of my way and inconvenience myself for him (I truly never did that before, ever)

I definitely still observe some of The Rules but I don't devote myself to them anymore and I'm much happier because I realized the best way to conduct a proper relationship is to let go. Be yourself (I know everybody knows this but trust me I didn't know), drop all pretenses, show you care. If it works out, then thank God because you've hit the relationship jackpot but if it doesn't then thank God also because it means he or she is still out there, you just haven't met them yet *in the voice of Michael Buble* and you have been saved from making a gargantuan mistake.

So this is me letting go and letting God, saying things I would normally not say, doing things I'd have konked myself for doing in the past, maybe it will work out, maybe it won't but at least I'd know I was honest in all my dealings.

*Abeg, guys I had a genuine lack of interest in, you know yourselves. Don't read this and be thinking I bothered to pull out The Rules for you. You only bring out the big guns for the serious ones, not all those waka pass dudes. Those steps were taken for only true relationships of which I've had only two...you know yourselves still*

*No more of all this emo b.s. I promise my profashionals oodles of vapid, airhead type posts*


*Apparently Ellen Fein later got divorced, maybe her husband read the book and was like "Oooh snap! That bitch got me good", or something I don't know but you really shouldn't be giving relationship advice if your own relationship is not quite right. Love those girls still*

I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

A cross section of perfect women. Part cook, part nympho, part beauty queen, part DOES NOT FRIGGING EXIST!

“How to get your boyfriend to open up in a relationship!”, “7 ways to please your man!”, “Wow that man today!”, “Bag your dream boyfriend!”, “How to get him to propose in 60 days!”, What guys wish you knew!”, “What it means when he doesn’t initiate sex!”

The above are a few of the inane headlines I see everyday as an avid purveyor of women’s magazines and blogs. Now I’m not a feminist, very far from it, I’m all about catering to my man, I’ll cook for him, I’ll tidy up the house etc and at the same time I’m willing to surrender myself to a man who will take care of me, provide for me, be a partner, a lover, a friend etc. Men and women have their roles in this world and I’m not interested in upsetting the applecart.

However, when I see articles like these I just want to scream. What is it about women that suggests we are useless except when acting as a man’s personal handmaiden? I've gone through men's magazines, FHM, Blender, Esquire, Men's Vogue etc and I've never seen ONE article on the best way to get a woman, or how to please your woman in bed....NOT ONE. Now I'm not idealistic, I know women are sellers in a buyers market, we don't pick the men, we get picked but still, can't it be done with some dignity?

I'm tired of been made to feel like a man is the ultimate prize I can aspire to, that if I'm not Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, Esther Baxter in the bedroom and a Stepford wife in the home, nothing for me. Yet men are allowed to be slovenly, have a face like a rat's ass, have peens like No.2 pencils, the conversational ability of a blank wall and still deserve Giselle type women. Hell, they'll settle for nothing less, how dare you ordinary, nothing-special girl dare to think you can get a boyfriend or a husband when you can't perform Cirque Du Soleil type acrobatics in bed while simultaneously cooking the perfect pot of Egusi soup at the same time ensuring that your home is magazine cover worthy?

I've actually being present when some guys describe the kind of girls they can date, you'd be AMAZED to hear the qualifications these guys would reel out and they fully expect to get these girls, anything less would be a travesty. I'll just be smh'ing to myself like "nigga please, you're way past your sell by date, I'd rather shag a celing fan than throw a lay your way and you have the nerve to decide that you don't deserve anything less than Miss World?". For Christ's sake, look at Prince Akeem aka Eddy Murphy "I want a woman that will arouse my intellect as well as my loins", how about he makes sure he can arouse the woman's intellect as well as her loins (or whatever the female equivalent is).

"Bark like a dog, WOOF!"

Females are fabulous and they need men the same way men need them, to have a partner, a confidante, a personal cheerleader, a lover, a caregiver, a husband, a wife. You should deserve the man you end up with and vice versa, if you're spending money and time to enhance and develop yourself, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons (e.g. your future) and not solely as the best way to bag a man.

*Please visit patpend.blogspot.com , where a healthy discussion on marriage is taking place.



*photo credit: google images

NO COMMENT

It’s a common occurrence, “Fabulous People at So and So Event” followed by pictures of said fabulous people either candid or posed, from Thisday Style to Guardian Life to Elan to Genevieve to BellaNaija.com to Lindaikeji.blogspot.com……you get my drift. Then below them, the people who really have the power, the faceless, pseudonym protected detractors, who size up the people pictured and decimate electronically….THE COMMENTERS.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, definitely but the vitriol I see spilled on many occasions is truly unnecessary. These people commenting go beyond simply analyzing outfits to revealing tidbits about personal lives, insulting characters etc. I read some of the comments I see on websites like 234next or Bellanaija and I’m just amazed at people’s capacity for malevolence and its not just because I have personally being a victim on many occasions. I appreciate constructive criticism restricted to fashion (which is why the guests are pictured there in the first place) but you see comments like “So xxx is still whoring around” or “xxx should stop sniffing coke and get his act together”, childish, silly statements like that which have no bearing on the issue at hand but serve as a vehicle for a spiteful, cowardly, envious person to use the most public platform the person can think of to insult someone who probably doesn’t even know them.

Honestly you have to wonder, what does the way a person chooses to live his or her life have to do with the fact that the person attended a fashion launch or a party. I saw a photo of a popular Lagos socialite once at some event and granted her outfit wasn’t really doing it for me and I saw a lot of comments based on that, then I saw one comment saying “this girl needs to go STFD with her fake accent, dressing like she’s blind”. I actually burst out laughing, how on earth did her accent affect her dress sense? I try to refrain from using the word “hater” but I think it applies in some cases.

Now you may wonder “TWP why you dey vex?”, but yes it is personal. Living in Lagos you truly can’t avoid the paps, people think that when you get photographed and appear in ThisDay Style et al you purposely went looking to be papped.

Honestly my lovers, no be so.

These photographers are everywhere, every wedding, every show, every event and since I do like to attend concerts and comedy shows and fashion do’s unfortunately or fortunately (depends on how you view it) I get papped quite a lot. The first time it happened, I think it was ThisDay Style back in 2006 or so, I was super super excited, I bought like 20 copies and distributed them to fam and friends, but now years on, I’d get the call or bbm “Daks you’re in ThisDay” or “Daks you’re on BellaNaija” or memorably on one occasion “Daks you’re in City People” (O_o) Da hell???? So I’m def more chilled about it now, I don’t even have copies.

That’s why when I see these seriously mean comments I’m always like wow, even if you were thinking it, you didn’t have to say it. Luckily I don’t get too bad a rap from the commenter’s, minor hating once in a while so I’m not really bothered, but what inspired this post were the comments I saw about a really close friend of mine earlier this week. She’s a very visible figure in Lagos so she’s a pretty easy mark, we’ve gotten used to seeing derogatory statements a few times about her but this one was just the height. These people were evil. They forgot they were there to critic her style and went in on her family, her relationship, her morals, her business…..like it was just so sad.

This is a PSA to those haters (yes I used the word) out there. Bear in mind that when you attack people like this, to you you’re just having a bit of fun but what you’re doing is spreading malicious stories about an innocent person and doing it on the internet is even worse, you’re sticking a permanent record of what you have said for everybody to see.

Cease and desist people.

Love and light xxx

photo from fotosearch.com (i guess you can see that already sef)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Would have included this in my earlier post but I just saw it now. I know you guys are used to this side of me that writes about fashion, lifestyle, personal experiences etc.its really easy to forget that I have a proper job, being a lawyer that is. I love to write and I love fashion but I view them as interests which I indulge in from time to time, which I love but are not necessarily my future. My dream is to become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Nigeria, maybe even The International Court of The Hague, all in all the aim is to get to the top of the Judiciary.

Anyhoo a while ago, I and two other counsel in my firm won an appeal at The Court of Appeal, it was a major case and written up in Law Reports, I actually never saw any myself but I was just given a copy of the The Guardian Newspaper from the 19th and it was reported in their Law Review! That is like a really huge deal and I'm tres excited. I become eligible to be appointed to a Court in Nigeria in 2019, long, I know but its the rules, you have to be 10 years at the Bar before you can become a Judge and I was called to the Nigerian Bar in 2009. So things like this publication are very important and go a long way towards establishing a solid reputation and being nominated.

So here's to Justice Adaku Abimbola ****** LLb BL ACIArb LLm(very soon)Phd(still thinking about that one) sitting at the Federal High Court of Nigeria, Lagos Division 2019.

**You can read the full article on The Guardian News website here

Giddy and tinz

Yesterday a friend of mine accused me of being "giddy" and he said this with the utmost disgust. He's used to my normal sarcastic, pessimistic, cynical persona, so to be confronted by this alien in Adaku skin who's constantly smiling and happy was disconcerting to say the least. But I am though and I make no apologies for it, I am happy, life is beautiful, I am beautiful, love and light to everyone, lol. Ookaay now I just sound deranged, anyhoo to the business at hand.

In my last post I talked about the Pink Pearl Foundation and their work of spreading awareness about breast and cervical cancer, on Saturday the 9th of October we went to Mushin to educate people, hand out information packets and demonstrate the appropriate means of carrying out self examinations on breasts.


Ediri, Adanna


Omawunmi, who's one of the ambassadors for the Pink Pearl Foundation and the other officials. Omawunmi is giving serious face in this photo, cracks me up everytime I look at it.


It turned out to be quite a fun morning and a welcome change from my usual social routine. As my tormentor Ediri said when she was telling me about it "your life shouldn't be all about fashion and events and parties and shows, come out and do something different for once and in the process help your fellow man". Ok, maybe she wasn't quite so eloquent and civilised, there was plenty of b***h, you better get the f**k out of your house and f*****g attend this rally for breast cancer, or something along those lines sha.

Earlier in the week I attended the party for the new Miss Nigeria Damilola Agbajor at the Marquee with my friends Jen and Jania. The girl is so GORGEOUS in real life! When I first saw photos of her on Bella Naija, I was like the other contestants must have been fugly for this babe to have won, not that I was being spiteful or anything but she didn't look special at all, I thought she was very ordinary, just bleh. But in person her facial features are exquisite, I was just like wow. Also Nike Oshinowo-Soleye is a MILF toh quality (not that I personally would, but I know many guys my age she can get it from, repeatedly). She really looks amazeballs for her age, body is ridiculous, skin is glowing.....like whatever she's on, I want some of that in 20 years time.


Res ipsa loquitor people, does this look like a beauty queen? In person though she's just really beautiful.


Jania, Jen, Mai

On Sunday I attended the Basketmouth show Lord(s) of the Ribs (I know its "Lords" but I just feel like I'm gbagauning when I say it so I prefer "Lord"); at the Expo Center at Le Meridien Hotel.
*sidebar* The Expo Center seems to be the hottest place in Lagos now, every fabulous event is taking place there, I've beeen there not less than 4 times in one month alone and I think I have 2 more events to attend there before the end of this month, jeez. The word "overkilling" does not exist in the Nigerian dictionary.

Anybody who knows me well knows I'm a huge fan of laughter, I crack up for the daftest things, that song from Mary Poppins "I love to laugh" should be my theme song. So if there's a comedy show I'm in there like swimwear. No jokes but Basketmouth is BALLING! I'm sure it def costs a bit to book the Expo Center first of all and the tickets cost 5k for regular and 20k for Vip, the Expo Center is massive but it was packed, regular, vip, everywhere, people were even standing sef. At the Vip tables we got complimentary champers, small chops and hors d'oeuvres (I kid you not, like stuffed bacon, anchovies on crackers, pate), in the words of Winterbottom I was flabberwhelmed. One lucky bugger also won N1million, they gave out 2 Virgin Atlantic tickets to watch the next Lord of the Ribs at the O2 in England and a South African Airways ticket. Dude also had some heavy sponsors. I was just like daaaang, comedy pays sha.

He had international comedians from South Africa and England, the SA dude was the best of the night, i stayed rolling throughout his performance. After the comedians the musicians now took over; 2face, MI and where there's MI there will be Banky W (I don't know why but keep an eye out yourselves, if you see Banky W somewhere, look around you'll def see MI too), IcePrince who performed that banger, "Oleku", Sound Sultan, ELdee, Terry G, Wizkid etc.

Wizkid is just the cutest, chai, fine boy no pimples and he's soooo young. I loved Terry G's performance, I'm such a Free Madness stan, that song is jut pure foolywang, dude is not claiming to be some sort of intellectual or a sensitive person, its just a fun fun song. Himself, who is used to my Celine Dion taste in music could not believe his eyes when I jumped up and was shouting "free me now!" with the rest of the crowd, I showed my Arondizuogu that day, trust.


Banky performing Strong Ting with Kafy, o seksi gan

Ooooh and last week I finally received the Contour & Highlight Kit and Brush from Sleek Makeup that I won in @sleekmakeup's twitter contest. Great product, gave me cheekbones for days.



And I officially finished NYSC, yay! It was a great year.


Ediri, Winterbottom

And after much yarning I'm out Blogville lovers xxx


Me, at work right now. 21st century lawyer toh bad

This post is dedicated to a fellow profashional Omoshalewa Akin-Taylor who was so concerned about the fact that I hadn't blogged in a while she called me out on twitter. Love and light xxx (and yes I fapped that from Kimora, if it bother's you can like to jump inside a mine)

Breast Cancer Awareness

The Pink Pearl Foundation is taking her (Breast Cancer) awareness campaign to Isolo, Lagos State, Nigeria on Saturday 9th of October.

Save a life.

Spread the word.

The meeting point is the Lagos State Polytechnic Isolo. For those on the Island interested in going, please be at 7 Owena (Blue House) Crescent, Parkview Estate by 9am, the bus will leave at 9.30am for Isolo. Come dressed in jeans and comfy shoes, t-shirts would be given at the meeting point. If you want to go on your own please meet us at the Lagos State Polytechnic Isolo, rally kicks off at 10.30am.

Also lets pray for the success of the rally and for a positive impact.

So I'll be there, any of my gorgeous, philanthropic profashionals that feel like doing something positive please be there. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, lets make a difference in any way that we can xxx