Friday, March 18, 2011

Buy The Cow

A few days ago a friend of mine was narrating an absolute corker of a relationship story, I know that I hear at least three on average per week but that doesn't make them any less painful. They basically all have the same format; Girl meets Boy, they date for a while, Boy proposes, Girl is ecstatic and starts planning wedding, without reason Boy pulls out, Girl is devastated and becomes butt of jokes from sneering ex bridesmaids as well as trending topic on twitter.....

Rinse, dry, repeat.

This phenomenon seems extremely prevalent now, I don't know whether its because I'm at "that" age so I get a daily dose of marriage stories; failures and successes or its because people don't respect marriage anymore (or almost marriage). The only thing I can agree that has the unifying thread running through all these stories is the man who proposes then disposes.

I really have to ask, why would a man pursue you endlessly, date you, meet the family, promise to spend eternity with you, even go as far as buying the hardware for your naked left finger then not seal the deal?

After my friend gave me the goods that prompted this post I threw the question out on twitter and was even informed that a lot of girls do exactly the same thing. Now I'm not exactly Panama and The Champ, so relationship expert is not a title I'd pin on myself but I don't think its asking too much to be in a relationship because thats where you want to be and not because you're biding your time or "having fun" or just waiting for something better to come along.

I find it very difficult to understand that someone can really love a person, think about them 24/7, love being around them, find little or no fault with them and at the same time not want to spend the rest of their life with the person. Wallahi tallahi that logic just fries my grey matter. The most annoying thing sef is not just that you feel all these things, its a free world we're entitled to our feelings. No the thing that really gets my goat is not telling the other person exactly how you feel therefore giving that person the freedom to choose whether they would prefer a temporary but "fun" relationship or whether they should just cut their losses and hanlele so they can find that person who completes them (yuck, can't believe I just quoted Jerry Maguire, but its an apt phrase though).

I'm the daughter of a rabid Catholic and I'm obedient enough to Doctrine to know that divorce is not an option for me. When I get married the only thing that will ever separate me from my husband is death, except of course he decides he must be an international ashewo, he takes it up the bum or has a fondness for kiddie down-there's (you see how much rope I give my future husband? He has so much to work with). In these cases still, I can only get an annulment which is a long, arduous project, therefore the idea of marrying the wrong person absolutely terrifies me. I know its probably the same for a lot of people hence the careful search for a significant other.

The distinguishing factor is that human beings have one dominant trait...we know exactly what we do not want. We may not know what we want but we sure as hell know what we don't want.

When you are in a serious relationship with another person, you know whether you want to end up with the person or not. I've heard some people have eureka moments when they had a St. Paul style epiphany and knew this was the one for them, I personally think thats a crock. You know from the get go if its eternity, 6 months or a one night stand, love doesn't take that long. Girls are usually the victims of this "String-Along Relationships" because we have expiry dates and are constantly in search of The One. But because guys have longer if not infinite ropes they can do as they please for as long as they please, women don't have that luxury.

As usual when I have man questions to ask I go to a man to break them down for me, I've never understood the logic of going to your girlfriends to analyse why a man did what he did, what can a kitty tell you? Only a schlong can give insight into another schlong's mind. Anyhoo the other day I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy who recently got married to a girl he'd only known for 7 months right after breaking up with his girlfriend who he had dated for 6 years. I needed to understand what the hell he was thinking. He and his ex seemed perfect for each other, they were like two sides of the same coin, they finished each others sentences, they wore the same trad to events, they were married without certificates and out of the blue he ends it and marries the next girl with whom he had even a semblance of a relationship with.

After our conversation I managed to gather a few strong points:

A guy may love a girl, have absolutely no fault with her but still not see a future together.

The issue is really not about being ready for marriage or not. When a guy meets the woman he wants to spend his life with he wifes her instantly to make sure he doesn't lose her. So all that bs excuses a guy will be giving for not wanting to get married e.g. "I haven't made enough money yet", "I'm not yet settled in life", "I'll make a terrible father" etc. All those fly out the window when he meets his dream woman. As my friend said and I quote "even if I had met Tolu(current wife, not her real name) when I was 21 and definitely not ready to get married I would have proposed then and there to make sure she never got away". I had to ask him that since he knew his ex wasn't the one, why did he spend all those years with her making nice and he was like he loved her, he just didn't want to marry her. (I died a little at that statement)

If you're in a long term relationship (over three years) with a guy who is above 30, financially secure and no hidden issues, and he hasn't wifed you yet, he doesn't think you're the one and he will never marry you. That one I didn't learn from my friend I learned it from watching Basketball Wives. Awon Evelyn and Suzie were in relationships for over 10 years, had kids and still didn't get rings. I know Evelyn is claiming that they were about to get married and she was the one who ended it, we all know that's a damn lie. No woman invests 10 years and a child in a man and then walks away when she can almost taste the wedding cake. Bs.

I know some babes delude themselves and even when the truth is staring them in the face they refuse to acknowledge it but we all know that if someone tells you they don't want you in black and white you have to be in severe denial to continue to be with that person. Its up to the person who's doing the stringing along to cut the strings because the victim is handicapped by the fact their emotions make them blind to everything else.

The basis of all the above tori is that if a dude wants you, he will wife you, no long ting. He can manage you and do a hell of a good job but since a man will rather shag his grandfather and two Alsatians than tell a woman what he really thinks as evidenced by Miafarradily's Madness With Men blog post, its up to the women in these String-Along Relationships to tell themselves some serious truths and decide exactly what to do to preserve their mental state away from these guys who can be selfish just because women are sellers in a buyers market.

To all the long term relationship repeat offenders, if you're greedy enough to drink the milk you might as well buy the damn cow.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. very true my dear,
    ur frend shld at least b glad that he changed his mind b4 d ceremony date

  3. You sef try give them 3 years. A year goes by nothing nothing my dear keep your eye open for another dude or move on! It only takes months to seal the deal.

  4. Thanks you guys for your comments. This is not a personal post, its just a topic that keeps coming up regularly and on which I have very firm views which I've expressed above.

    I just need to see if people can come up with arguments to rationalize this kind of behaviour.

  5. I have a friend who dated this bastard for 7 years, dude was such a part of the family that we friends were calling him our husband, son of a bitch out of a no where, dumped my friend next thing we know he was engaged, this wasn't even up to a month, so best believe the bastard must have been two-timing my girl. I was too shook, I'm of the believe that a year is too long, if he's over 30 at six months, if you don't see ring my dears hanlele yourself out of the relationship.

  6. oops "I'm of the belief* everytime I think of the guy, I still get hella pissed,

  7. Anonymous 3:25pm: ring after six months? lol! haba. Even me I will be a bit shook.
    Before men propose, they have spoken about marriage to the girl several months before. A man doesn't just propose out of the blue. So if in a year, you and ur guy (over 30yrs at least) haven't even had such might want to regroup and find out his plan. A year is the max in my books, and not necessarily that there has to be a ring on my finger in a year, but there has to be 100% certainty that the ring is coming. A year and half, and no ring, I might have to throw down the gloves and call it quits.

    This is the best way to avoid the 7 years of rollercoaster rides with a guy who refuses to marry you after all that.

  8. Someone can invest years plus kids & still walk away if they can't put up with the guy's crap.

    Personally I think a year is too short to whip out the ring. How well will you know someone in such a time?

    To collect ring no be problem, na wetin happen after be the main thing.

    JayLa x

  9. This post was the truth! Looooved it.

  10. Interesting post. Plenty of truth in it.

  11. Kai there's no rationale to this kind of behaviour except to acknowledge that some men are just not emotionally mature and the handwriting should be on the wall really!

  12. lol @ to give the ring not the problem is what happens after thats the this blog makes too much sense....the truth is @ the end of the day the word called Love means more than we humans can comprehend. and men are very strange species love her but u cant marry her...thats not love..its called selfishness...

  13. @Anon 5.04. Thank you! That's totally my point, you want to eat your cake and have it at the same time. All guys know when a girl dates you for a particular period of time there will be marriage on her mind. If you have absolutely no intention of making it legal, let the girl know instead of dangling carrots for free booty, its extremely unfair.

    I understand this because I've actually being the Stringer in a String-Along relationship and the victim could not understand why I had stayed with him so long if I didn't see a future. I swore to never do that again, if you wanna have fun, let it be known that that's all you're about and leave it up to the other person to decide if that's what he or she wants too.

    If you know you've reached your final bus stop, don't beat around the bush, get on your knees and say it.

  14. This is so true! Men just keep shopping around, stringin women along. The best thing for womnen is to set a timeline and if that elapses and no talk of the future is been heard then she should walk and waka far.
    The man has to fo d finding. There will always be somebody for someone, so stayin in a deadend relationship is just a waste of time. Free d guy, step out and be free for the one who will wife u. Luvly blogg sweety!

  15. You are totally right oh! People usually know what they don't want, and staying in a long term relationship cause you just don't want to be alone (that seems so common) is BS. Just get out and take your chances instead of stringing someone along when you're sure you don't want the person. It's wicked sha oh


  16. Okay Ufere! I can now officially say I am ur number 1 fan..u speak for many...will not stay awake 2 do homework but will stay awake at 2.19a.m to read ur blog..u go girl!!!

  17. Wow Nigerian women unite, speaking as a woe-man I think we should all go out douse the men of the world in kerosene and watch 40% plus of the worlds population light on fire...or woman could just accept some guys are not very nice just as some women are not very nice. Love is inexplicable but its fun to try isn't it.

  18. @ third world....i totally agree with you...most guys know that even when the babe acts like she is not ready for marriage @ that moment, its definitely on her mind especially from the age of about 24. I ran this through my best friend who is a guy, and he agrees totally with you, he says, "...its inevitable,we just love the feeling at that moment,i know atimes its selfish.. but i guess thats why the world is unfair, @ the end of the day its a mans world..." pathetic! but to an extent true! guess we just have to guard our hearts(even bible talk am), and this applies to men who are also stringing!

  19. Extremely lovely piece. Ada I see a self-help book or something coming from you in the future. Probably something like "Oh Hell Yes!" (if you watched "Girlfriends" you would know what I'm talking about).

    Had this fellow that I probably could have married if not for blood group issues. It was such a "perfect" match that I was willing to adopt kids instead. The fellow said he couldnt ask me to make that sacrifice, ngwa leave me alone now ... mba! And I was so vulnerable that I spent almost three years with him. Now that I think about it I dont think he wanted to get married, the blood group matter was just a convenient reason. Even now we aren't together he still tries to "get free milk", claiming that there's nothing wrong because its "us" and that we will always have this special bond. Hogwash!!!

    I have this other friend who dated this guy, serious matter o, we (i.e. her friends) don dey plan for aso-ebi, it was given they would get married. He broke with her, came back after a year or so and begged to get back together. Agaisnt her better judgment she gave in, only for the twat to do teh same thing and get married almost immediately thereafter.

    I ditto everything you said, if a man over 30 doesn't declare his intentions within 6 months, then he doesnt't have any.

  20. the longer the relationship, the less likely it would lead to marriage #confirmutunu

  21. It takes more than love to make a marriage work. Its unfortunate that some men do not declare their intention when they meet a woman, reason being that if you actually fessed up that you were trying to hit it from the get-go the odds of success might be slim. Also women should stop looking desperate and acting the part once you meet a man, if you are aloof and non committal that kind of behavior throws men off and confuses us. Ok shey na shag you wan shag, oya now....."guy would probably do a double take". Men respond to women that are independent, comfortable in their own space, not clingy, confident (theres a subtle difference between confidence and arrogance), and definitely have something going on for herself other than daydreaming of marrying that arabian prince that would take away all her money problems and fly her away on exotic vacations. And yes its usually true that once a guy meets a girl in less than 48 hours he probably has narrowed down his intentions towards her. Not all men are bad guys, we just are not pay for an overpriced item.....period.

  22. True Talk everywhere. I subscribe to the fact that a woman might still be dilly dallying and trying to see if things work out but once a man decides he will wife a woman, it's a wrap. Nice post!


  23. I LOVE this post! As in ehn, you hit the nail on the head and did it beautifully too. I no go yarn too much tori, as the other commenters have said a lot of what I would say. Once again, great post! Lots of food for thought.

  24. This post is full of many truths. Very well written!

  25. I just blogged about the same thing a while ago. I dont see how a guy can show so much interest and all of a sudden, it starts to go pearshaped. I still cant get my head around it


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