Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pigs Have Feelings Too

My last post "Buy The Cow" was one of the most popular posts in the history of TWP, it got the fastest hits the day it was posted than any of my other posts. What does that tell you mi amour's? We love relationship stories, we love the good, the bad and the downright messy. We love to deconstruct why both sexes behave the way that they do, nothing gets a good gossip fest going like talking about male/female relations. One of my guy friends read "Buy The Cow" and was thoroughly disgusted, he rained invectives on me for my "slanderous" attack on his fellow men and insisted he write a rebuttal, which I agreed to. He felt so affronted that his rebuttal is part of a series. Read the first part below:

Disclaimer: This post may seem like an attack on the lovely Daks.
Fear not.
It is an attack on the lovely Daks.
I choose to use her as a focal point because:
i. She wrote this post
ii. She’s a girl
iii. She believes in this “stuff”
But truth be told, I love the girl to pieces…even though she does stuff to annoy the crap out of me all the time…like write posts like this.

You see, I know for a fact that women don’t like to hear word.
If you find a woman in anything other than a typical, lukewarm, run-of-the-mill relationship that would have been approved in Puritan times, please…I beg you…
Don’t give her any advice.
Because she won’t take it.
In fact, she will hate you if you turn out to be right. And hate you even more if you turn out to be wrong. Confuzzling isn’t it?

But let’s leave that one for another day and delve into Daks’ post and her awesome title choice:
Buy the Cow
Anyone remember the romantic comedy cum guy-bashing, testicle-grinder that was the movie “Someone Like You”?
The theme of the movie? Cows.
Specifically old cows versus new cows. And which men preferred.

The movie starts off with Ashley Judd doing a voiceover telling us about scientific studies that have shown that male cows (bulls) will never mount a female twice…even if her scent changes.
He prefers new cows.

Tangent #1:
This movie will forever scar me due to the fact that my roommate and I decided to take out our brand new girlfriends out on a double-date…
and we all agreed on this movie…
to say that this movie-watching experience was uncomfortable is a massive understatement…I would rather have had a root canal.
Here we were…hugged up with our fresh meat…
And Ashley Judd is booming from the surround sound Dolby THX speakers telling our women that we will mount them ONCE and dump them forever.

Thankfully I got to mount my cow many, many times and I believe she was also appreciative…as my roommate? I…think so.

Many women would watch that movie and come out with the same thought.
“Men are pigs…cows…pigs”
Why? Because it’s easier for them to process.
Forget the fact that Judd proceeds to chase after a taken man and then yell and scream when she’s summarily dumped.
Forget that Judd then plans revenge against the woman (not the man directly) and then proceeds to carry it out…
Also disregard her admitting that the advice she gave women during her roller-coaster ride as an “advice-columnist” was utterly wrong and that she only gave that particular flavor of advice because she had been burned and was hurt.
Yeah that’s too much information.
“Fuck men” is so much easier to swallow.

Tangent #2:
I particularly abhor side chicks
Not for the service they willingly provide to the community.
It’s the aftermath I don’t like.
I mean you are a side chick.
Just like uranium deposits, you have a half life. Just shorter.
Anyways…more on this later.

So Daks has regaled you with fantastical stories of men leaving women high and dry
Giving mental pictures of men dougie-ing out the front door while his ex’s hollowed out corpse shrivels on the floor.
Engagement ring still shiny and new on her distended finger
Every girl has those stories.
They are easy to remember.
To retell.
To stupidly hold on to.

The obvious result is that women then create what they believe to be an arbitrary set of rules to govern their dating lives.
Does anyone ever test these rules to see if they work??
Does any woman ever say to herself…well I’m open to meeting a man that’s the exception?

Why bother?
It makes sense to give a man a predefined length of time to decide the rest of his life.
That’s how the people at MENSA would do it right?

A friend said to me last week…
“if he wants to get married…it should only take 6months”
Now she was talking about males 30 and above, who’ve finished school and are working in whatever field they chose.

So you’re a woman and you’ve been with a 30yr old guy for 7 months.
And he hasn’t proposed, so you pack your proverbial bags and get to steppin’
How many times does that need to happen in your dating/romantic life before you realize that you’re a complete moron?
Twice? Three times? Let’s just say four.
So at 24 you hit upon “Daks Guide for Women”
And you decide to follow its doctrine.
Now remember…this time frame starts from whence you and your knave become official. Not a day before.
Now do the math…how old will you be by the time you get into #4?
Don’t want to? Ok.

The bottom line is that people shouldn’t use those amazing stories about heartbreak.
Women should stop using their friends’ mishaps to govern their own relationships
And nobody…I mean nobody should ever take advice, feedback or even a stick of gum from any female that’s ever been on Basketball Wives.


  1. Did you heard what Rob Matts said about that?

    buy cialis

  2. I think this is a load of nonsense, all i see here is justification for evil. Guys are the problem here, not girls.

  3. TWP i hope ur not co-signing ur frends views here or i will be vry disappointed.

  4. Interesting response- and made even more so cause it's from a guy. I think both guys and girls are guilty oh- everybody has a hand in it. But question- how long is too long? you know? If you think 7 months is too long and you wait 2 years...then get dumped, you're right back where you started. Anyway, it's better for everybody to face their own i guess


  5. Unfortunately, I think your man friend is making a lot of sense. It's good to see things from the other side every once in a while.

    We ladies sometimes forget that it doesn't always happen in life as it does in the movies. (We still love the movies though!)

    - Love, Woman (Also known as Ezinma)

  6. Weirdly I kinda agree with your friend. We ladies tend to wrap ourselves around movies, books, friends' experiences but we fail to forget "fingers are not equal". I say - live your life as it comes and take your experience as it comes but not others experiences.

    Key point: always put God first!

  7. I think this post is poorly written. I couldnt get the point of evrything until the last paragraph or so. That being said, in as much as we say all fingers are not equal and no two relationships are the same. It would only be smart to LEARN from other peoples' experiences than wait for bad experiences to befall us before we learn. But it as human as it gets when we say "oh my relationship cld be different" which most likely ends up to be false. Its like someone dating a married man, ignoring other people's experience saying "mine is different because he loves me",well we all know how the story ends! Point is~there is no textbook on love, buh it wldnt help to take notes on other people's experience and learn from them. Sorry for the long ass story! Cheers!

  8. If you are a side girl and you know it, or you knowingly steal another woman's man, then karma is a biaaatch, you got what you deserve! I'm talking about the regular girl, who was minding her darn business and Mr. decided that he was going to eff with her mind and turn her into a "used/bitter cow." As my male friend told me, it's the law of economics, not enough men, a lot of women, demand outweighs supply, apparently this gives him the right to sample as many goods as he wants till he decides which one he

  9. I still don't understand how anyone steals a man except he was kidnapped, he most definitely left his wife/gf of his own volition.
    It annoys me when people say that.

  10. I must admmit he did make a lot of sense. We women are the problem as much as men. I have been in and out of relationships, blamed the guys and n=one day my mum said have u =ever stopped to think u may be the problem? Ding!!!!!!!!!
    we babes sure do contribute to whatever issues men have. sigh!!!!!

  11. i was lost for a bit, he rambled on & on but the last paragraphed summed it up nicely.

    All these rules and stories and whatnots are just crap. Live your life sha

  12. I saw a lot of tangents but the truth is that all these fights can never end. Such is what keeps life interesting, and what can we do without each other?

  13. I understand his point of view, I think some women do govern their relationships by a strict set of rules and time lines that may just not be realistic, I'm not saying stay 8 yrs when there's no future on the horizon, but 6 months? that's a tad hasty. There are horror stories, but there are also happily-ever-afters. It takes a lot of hard work to get there but I don't think putting an ultimatum on your relationship based on a measure that is largely influenced by stories of women that have been hurt is the way to do it.

  14. .. simple truth of the matter is, it takes much less than 6 months for any guy to decide whether he wants to marry a girl or not. If after 6 months, hes still not talking marriage (which means hes still searching), then you'd best move on ..

  15. And the author is saying that its NOT the "simple truth" to set such arbitrary measures...
    But whatever.

  16. I'm not sure if this dude is joking or just plain naive. His ideas may be applicable to dimwits but surely not smart women like us?

  17. I wont say pack ur bags afte 6 months, I'll say 6 months should be the point where u evaluate your relationship to know if its going in that desired direction.
    at 6 months: have u spoken to/met his siblings? are u guys talking about the future together?
    if not.....hmmm

  18. Yep, he definitely rambled and I only got the point that he was trying to make in the last paragraph.

  19. he made some sense sha. however its both ways. d way i c it.. guys/girls shld not enter a relationship with pre-conceived misconceptions/ past bitterness/ rules to live by. IT WILL CLOUD YOUR JUDGEMENT. jst enter into it as two individuals wanting 2 undastand more about each other. if however u feel like ur a side chic/*insert alternate term for a guy* u no wot 2 do

  20. ahh....thisis an interesting response tho....I read Buy the Cow and it was hilarious, true but i wont say it accounts for what happens 99% of the time....You 'man friend' has a point too, we cant all base our relationships on whats happening in our friend's relationships....I will have to stand with Myne Whitman on this issue.


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