THE L WORD.....AND THE G WORD TOO

This photo is here for no other reason than I think I look cute as a mutha and i wanted you guys to see it. Wore this to a Price Waterhouse Coopers mixer, in a bid to bump myself up the internship position list. No such luck, next time I'm taking my top off.

So this weekend I crossed off another entry on my Bucket List, by going to a Gay Club.

*cue shocked silence*

Now I'm not sure where I am exactly on the liberal scale....probably somewhere between a six and an eight so I kinda have very contradictory views on LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) people. On the one hand I think people should be free to have sex with any human (you see I said human, so awon animal shaggers, don't think you get a free pass) they want, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. On the other hand though when I hear about LGBT people getting married or having kids, I just think thats unnatural.

I don't have any gay friends, well none that I know of and up until Friday night I'd never spoken to one for an extended period of time. There are a few in my building and we say hi and once I walked in on a lesbian couple making out in the laundry room and got the hell outta there pronto. So that's basically being my limited experience with people who swing any which way. I know in Lagos people say their main watering-hole is Caliente, but the few times I've been there I saw nothing out of the ordinary, maybe a few femme guys but nothing to get shocked about. I mean Denrele is on a drag queen tip 24/7/365 and I'm still on the fence about his sexuality.

Anyhoo, pre-Friday night, my gay experience was 0.2% and post-Friday night its more like 102%, completely amped up by the fact that I went to Mass with one of my new gay friends today and we're doing drinks Wednesday night.

Yes I'm a fag hag and I'm loving it.

The night started innocently enough. My coursework for my Marine & Coastal Law class is due on the 22nd so I stayed home all day busting my ass to make sure I don't plagiarize (I miss Naija copy and paste men). So around 11, Aruna comes to drag me out of my room and is like we have to go somewhere, I def didn't want to do clubbing because Aberdeen clubs are like cattle markets, bunch of men falling over themselves trying to talk to girls, no subtlety, no finesse, nada and I was just tired of being hit on. So she was like lets go see a movie and that was totally out of the question because I've never been able to watch anything that late and not fall asleep. I've disgraced many a friend by going to see the Silverbird or Genesis cinema 10pm movie and spending the entire time crashing, so I don't even bother anymore. I hadn't eaten so I said why don't we just got to Mickey D's, which is like the official after clubbing watering hole in Abz. Its on Union Street where all the major clubs are so once the clubs shut at 3am, everybody decends on McDonalds, so if you just go there at night without entering any bars or clubs you'll still get the full clubbing experience.

We set off, totally dressed down, jeans, tops, casual as a muthaf****r. After lemming tight, around like 1.30am we meet some guy who tells us about a few gay bars in the area. As the President of the Instigators Club of Imo State, I was so down to go, Aruna wasn't feeling it, some of her good girl Indian shtick started to kick in but I wasn't having it and before she knew wassup we were paying our 2 pounds and entering the strangest dance floor I've ever seen in my life.

To say I was amazed was an understatement, I was completely floored. Girls dancing with each other, guys dancing with each other, girls making out with each other, guys making out with each other.

Total sensory overload.

To be confronted with one or two gay people is one thing but to observe about 200 of them at such close range was mind-blowing and I LOVED IT!

First of all there were no pervy guys trying to cop a feel by intentionally squeezing past your bum or boobs, there was no fronting, they were so uninhibited, the music was fabulous, people (well, just the guys) were so well dressed, the energy was something else. I was just like woah. We walked in slowly, quick look around there are like two other dudu's there, a guy and a girl, the rest is a sea of vanilla and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. I was just thinking if it was a hetero club a guy and girl won't be sucking face like this so openly but these people were just going at it.

I was immediately blocked by the campiest guy there, dude is doing the finger snapping, the head rolling, the "you are so fierce girl, turn around let me see that butt. Ooh guurrrrl you are werking it" *snap snap*

I kid you not.

Under my fringe, my eyebrows had reached my hairline. From there the night could only go up, I had an absofreakinlutely awesome night. I danced on a stage, flashed my bra (unintentionally though, I was dancing and one of the guys pulled my top down, the crowd roared), got felt up by like 37 guys who had absolutely no interest in my lady parts. It was savage.


Khai. He was the one that caused my indecent exposure, I strongly suspect thats not his real name, its probably Angus or Craig or something but whatever strums his guitar.


Khai, giving me his best fierce pose. According to him, he has a massive crush on Simon Cowell. *I shudder*


Aruna and some random straight guy who latched on to us

Funny enough I wasn't approached by one single lesbian. Himself thought this was hilarious but I was highly offended, what are they trying to say, that I'm not a hot girl or what? I got more attention from the guys than the girls, maybe if I pierced my tongue........

Then for the ultimate shocker of the night, I was dancing on the stage and sharpening my gbegborun vision across the room in case I spotted anyone I knew when I saw an African head moving in a motion which suggested that locking of the lips was taking place. I was just like "its a lie". The black guy I had clocked earlier and I knew from seeing him around that he was Nigerian was furiously engaged in a tongue wrestling session with a white guy. I nearly had to be carried off the stage, I was that shocked.

I like to think I'm very worldly and modern but in reality I'm way more Victorian than even I suspect and even if by then I was on first name terms with many of the guys I had met that night, the sight of a Nigerian guy kissing another guy completely freaked me out. I really can't reconcile whether homosexuality is right or wrong because even though its expressly forbidden in the Bible, lots of things are also expressly forbidden but we do them every single day so why is who someone chooses to love such a big issue? For a long time I honestly always thought gay people were all about the sex, like they didn't even have relationships but when that whole gay marriage hullaballoo was going on in California and they were showing on the news all these couples that were rushing to get married before the decision was overturned, I started to sort of see where they were coming from. They showed really old couples like over 70 and stuff who had being together all their lives and were so emotional at the fact that they were finally able to make their relationships legal, it was actually quite touching. Also talking to a lot of the people I met on Friday, lots of them were in long term relationships or civil partnerships, to them it was normal and a way of life and they couldnt understand why people were so prejudiced against them. I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people but I've begun to truly understand the loneliness these people have dealt with all their lives, especially the ones that live in societies as bigoted as ours in Nigeria. I can't say I'm completely in support but I think I'm coming round a bit to the fact that someone being gay is not the worst thing in the world. Somehow I always think people that are so violently opposed to homosexuality themselves are secretly attracted to it because the kind of passion that goes into some attacks is just suspect. Its like Kurt in Glee and that football player that was always bullying him for being gay and then kissed him one day...case in point.

So oui, I had a faboosh night.

Earlier in the week it was my friend Dimi's birthday and the plan was to do lunch at Jimmy Cheungs at the beach and go see a movie. That was my first time at the beach in Abz and its literally behind my flat, like a 15 minute walk but right now I see no sense in making my way there again because I associate beaches with warm weather and sunlight but you'll still catch some mentallers in shorts throwing beachballs while hail is falling around them.


I thought this cake was so cute. For my birthday this year I must have a cake that I will jump out of or I'll eat my duvet.


TWP and the birthday girl. Forgive my slightly extended stomach, 6.95 all you can eat Chinese buffet and we're in a recession man, its never good to waste food. Best believe ish popped right back in after an hour, damn I love my body, can't believe a baby is gonna come one day and mess it up permanently.

*sidebar* I think thats a total Nigerian thing, my mother forced me to always finish my food for so long that even now I find it very hard to leave food on my plate. Even though my stomach is bursting and my pants can't zip up and I'm not even hungry anymore I always insist on cleaning the plate. Small portions are the way to go.


The very bleak view of the North Sea. I think there's sand and stuff down those stairs but I didn't even bother finding out, too cold for such nonsense. In other countries with civilised weather, at their beaches you'll probably get views of yachts or speedboats or beach houses and people sunbathing. In Scotland you see, oil tankers and drilling platforms. FML

I need to go somewhere sunny soon or I'll shave my head. The necessary party should take note #ThatIsAll

After lunch we saw the movie The Adjustment Bureau which just had a daft ending, I love Emily Blunt so I was hoping for so much more, the whole fairytale slash subtle modern age Christianity thing didn't do it for me. I have nothing against fantasy in movies, Harry Potter is pure fantasy and I'm a die-hard Stan but that's the thing, the movie is all make-believe. Unlike The Adjustment Bureau which was a serious movie about politics and love and stuff and next thing it was angels in suits and hats and a God-figure called The Chairman, very upsetting...extremely.

I refuse to talk about The Arise Fashion shows because I'm insanely jealous of the people that got to go while I'm cramming environmental liability and water discharge and re-injection but I have to put it out there, I hate you all. One thing I will mention though, is the scam I heard Thisday pulled about the entry fee and I'm not surprised in the least. Thisday pull off the biggest events in Nigeria and I've been to every single one, I practically have Thisday event miles and so I'm well aware of the amount of money that changes hands to procure entry. One of the shows they had, the R. Kelly one, was N250,000 per head and 5 mil a table, 250k is more than my Law School fees by the way and yet that room was packed, every seat was taken. So when I heard that the entry was free I was highly suspicious. They were now hit with the 10k and 50k fee on the day of the event, I personally thought it was hilarious, how on earth anyone would think Mr. Obaigbena would do anything for free is just amazing. I was not surprised at all, just that it was a bitch move to pull after babes would have hustled for baffs in anticipation of coming out in BellaNaija and Thisday Style, where do you expect these fame whores-in-training to get that kind of mula from?

If I were in Lagos, the laugh I'd have had, kai. I'd probably still be rolling now.

Love and light people xxx