Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pigs Have Feelings Too



My last post "Buy The Cow" was one of the most popular posts in the history of TWP, it got the fastest hits the day it was posted than any of my other posts. What does that tell you mi amour's? We love relationship stories, we love the good, the bad and the downright messy. We love to deconstruct why both sexes behave the way that they do, nothing gets a good gossip fest going like talking about male/female relations. One of my guy friends read "Buy The Cow" and was thoroughly disgusted, he rained invectives on me for my "slanderous" attack on his fellow men and insisted he write a rebuttal, which I agreed to. He felt so affronted that his rebuttal is part of a series. Read the first part below:


Disclaimer: This post may seem like an attack on the lovely Daks.
Fear not.
It is an attack on the lovely Daks.
I choose to use her as a focal point because:
i. She wrote this post
ii. She’s a girl
iii. She believes in this “stuff”
But truth be told, I love the girl to pieces…even though she does stuff to annoy the crap out of me all the time…like write posts like this.

You see, I know for a fact that women don’t like to hear word.
If you find a woman in anything other than a typical, lukewarm, run-of-the-mill relationship that would have been approved in Puritan times, please…I beg you…
Don’t give her any advice.
Why?
Because she won’t take it.
In fact, she will hate you if you turn out to be right. And hate you even more if you turn out to be wrong. Confuzzling isn’t it?

But let’s leave that one for another day and delve into Daks’ post and her awesome title choice:
Buy the Cow
Anyone remember the romantic comedy cum guy-bashing, testicle-grinder that was the movie “Someone Like You”?
The theme of the movie? Cows.
Specifically old cows versus new cows. And which men preferred.

The movie starts off with Ashley Judd doing a voiceover telling us about scientific studies that have shown that male cows (bulls) will never mount a female twice…even if her scent changes.
He prefers new cows.

Tangent #1:
This movie will forever scar me due to the fact that my roommate and I decided to take out our brand new girlfriends out on a double-date…
and we all agreed on this movie…
to say that this movie-watching experience was uncomfortable is a massive understatement…I would rather have had a root canal.
Here we were…hugged up with our fresh meat…
And Ashley Judd is booming from the surround sound Dolby THX speakers telling our women that we will mount them ONCE and dump them forever.

Thankfully I got to mount my cow many, many times and I believe she was also appreciative…as my roommate? I…think so.

Many women would watch that movie and come out with the same thought.
“Men are pigs…cows…pigs”
Why? Because it’s easier for them to process.
Forget the fact that Judd proceeds to chase after a taken man and then yell and scream when she’s summarily dumped.
Forget that Judd then plans revenge against the woman (not the man directly) and then proceeds to carry it out…
Also disregard her admitting that the advice she gave women during her roller-coaster ride as an “advice-columnist” was utterly wrong and that she only gave that particular flavor of advice because she had been burned and was hurt.
Uhhhhhhh…….
Yeah that’s too much information.
“Fuck men” is so much easier to swallow.


Tangent #2:
I particularly abhor side chicks
Not for the service they willingly provide to the community.
It’s the aftermath I don’t like.
I mean you are a side chick.
Just like uranium deposits, you have a half life. Just shorter.
Anyways…more on this later.


So Daks has regaled you with fantastical stories of men leaving women high and dry
Giving mental pictures of men dougie-ing out the front door while his ex’s hollowed out corpse shrivels on the floor.
Engagement ring still shiny and new on her distended finger
Every girl has those stories.
They are easy to remember.
To retell.
To stupidly hold on to.

The obvious result is that women then create what they believe to be an arbitrary set of rules to govern their dating lives.
Does anyone ever test these rules to see if they work??
Does any woman ever say to herself…well I’m open to meeting a man that’s the exception?

Why bother?
It makes sense to give a man a predefined length of time to decide the rest of his life.
That’s how the people at MENSA would do it right?

A friend said to me last week…
“if he wants to get married…it should only take 6months”
Now she was talking about males 30 and above, who’ve finished school and are working in whatever field they chose.

So you’re a woman and you’ve been with a 30yr old guy for 7 months.
And he hasn’t proposed, so you pack your proverbial bags and get to steppin’
Okay.
How many times does that need to happen in your dating/romantic life before you realize that you’re a complete moron?
Twice? Three times? Let’s just say four.
So at 24 you hit upon “Daks Guide for Women”
And you decide to follow its doctrine.
Now remember…this time frame starts from whence you and your knave become official. Not a day before.
Now do the math…how old will you be by the time you get into #4?
Don’t want to? Ok.

The bottom line is that people shouldn’t use those amazing stories about heartbreak.
Women should stop using their friends’ mishaps to govern their own relationships
And nobody…I mean nobody should ever take advice, feedback or even a stick of gum from any female that’s ever been on Basketball Wives.
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Friday, March 25, 2011

March Madness at Le Petit Marche



LPM - March Madness!!!
Date: 27th March 2011
Time: 12pm – 7pm
Venue: The GET Arena, Oniru Gate, opposite Oriental Hotel, Victoria Island, Lagos.


In the spirit of March Madness, Le Petit Marche have decided to serve you the opportunity to have an unbridled shopping experience! This Sunday, the GET Arena will be home to the blissful bedlam that will be the March edition of the LPM market. Nothing beats going on a shopping rampage to shut down the month!!!

Here are a few of the vendors to expect this weekend:

Prima Rouge - The Prima Rouge Sample Collection is a modification of our first collection and it features pieces that are more colourful, architectural, and edgy. This collection is a limited edition inspired by the power of self expression through fashion.

Shoe Haven - At Shoe Haven, we pride ourselves in selling comfortable, elegant shoes for every kind of woman. Our shoes are sourced mainly from Milan, Italy but we go further afield to other parts of the world for the best quality shoes at an affordable price.

Fashion for Life - Clothing is a fresh spin on your timeless classics. The clothing line is exclusively couture, featuring fabrics and materials that in themselves carry a beautiful longevity and design. Fashion for life also has a commercial men’s line which embodies the afro centric classics, featuring the most exquisite embroidery ever un-imaginable.

Cam Cam Sweets - Confectionary. UK and Retro sweets (Haribo, Swizzels, Wham Bars, Sherbet, etc) sold in a variety of selection packs of 150g, &500g ranging from N800 - N2,000.

JJ Arts and Crafts of Africa - Paintings, fabric bags, fabric belts and accessories, clay and fabric dolls, brass, ethnic clothing & beach towels, beach bags, wooden butterflies, baskets, beads and other ethnic products from Nigeria and many other African countries.

Republic of Foreigner - ROF is a women’s apparel brand established with the aim of bringing out the spirit of freedom in all the ladies out there! Inspired by vintage dresses, fairies & pixies, beat poets, endless summers of love, and film, the creators developed a brand based on fun, love, and freedom! "We're like hippies just spreading the love!” ROF offers a wide selection of desirables--modern & vintage inspired clothing and accessories derived from the global fashion sphere. All of the brand's fabrics are carefully handpicked, taking into mind style, wearability, and quality.

Grace Diva - Clothes, bags, shoes and accessories

Kikcot Nigeria - We stock ladies casual and trendy clothes. Our clothing ranges from jumpsuits to maxi dresses, heels to flats,
jewellery to handbags, jeggins to treggings and everything in between. Did we forget to mention our bargain prices!

Little Luxuries - At Little Luxuries, our range of hand crafted earrings, necklaces & bracelets are made using semi-precious stones, crystals, silver and gold-filled findings sourced from around the world.

Sweet As Candy - Confectionary, candy, nuts, cookies, dried fruits, gluten, dairy and sugar-free products, toys and party systems for dispensing candy!

Maternity Mums – Clothes for the chic and expectant mother!

Poise Fashions - Shoes, accessories, purses, shoe and bag boxes, hair accessories, belts.

Beadazzle – Jewellery, make up, and accessories

Home Essentials - We sell a wide range of home products such as vases, flowers, candles, figurines. We sell both wholesale and retail and we make souvenirs for birthdays, weddings, etc.

UrbanKnit - Fashion accessories: handbags, clutches, pouches

Virtue By Focuswear – A wide selection of high quality tee shirts, cardigans, polos, shirts, blazers, and y-neck shirts.

Ours by Juliada - Organic Hair and Skin products and Hair accessories.

Ejiro Amos Tafiri – EAT is an emerging fashion brand on the Nigerian fashion scene. They pride themselves in the production of wearable clothing and accessories inspired by the vibrant, fun loving, joie de vivre culture of the Lagos people and the cultural diversity of its populace which spans the globe. Creativity and excellent craftsmanship is their watchword. EAT pieces include casual, formal and evening dresses, tops, skirts, pants, kaftans, boubous and laptop bags for ladies and for men, traditional tunic and pants (buba and sokoto) and biker jackets.

NS1463 – Young, urban apparel brand.

So hurry down to the GET Arena this Sunday the 27th, from 12pm – 7pm.
Come and enjoy the last Sunday of the month with great STALLS… great
MUSIC… great PEOPLE… and Great FOOD!!!

See you this weekend!!!
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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

VIDEO FOR EVERYNIGHT THE REMIX

video

Video to the smash hit "Everynight" the remix by Rilwan featuring Lynxx and Bush brought to you by PLAY Records.

Enjoy!
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Friday, March 18, 2011

Buy The Cow



A few days ago a friend of mine was narrating an absolute corker of a relationship story, I know that I hear at least three on average per week but that doesn't make them any less painful. They basically all have the same format; Girl meets Boy, they date for a while, Boy proposes, Girl is ecstatic and starts planning wedding, without reason Boy pulls out, Girl is devastated and becomes butt of jokes from sneering ex bridesmaids as well as trending topic on twitter.....

Rinse, dry, repeat.

This phenomenon seems extremely prevalent now, I don't know whether its because I'm at "that" age so I get a daily dose of marriage stories; failures and successes or its because people don't respect marriage anymore (or almost marriage). The only thing I can agree that has the unifying thread running through all these stories is the man who proposes then disposes.

I really have to ask, why would a man pursue you endlessly, date you, meet the family, promise to spend eternity with you, even go as far as buying the hardware for your naked left finger then not seal the deal?

After my friend gave me the goods that prompted this post I threw the question out on twitter and was even informed that a lot of girls do exactly the same thing. Now I'm not exactly Panama and The Champ, so relationship expert is not a title I'd pin on myself but I don't think its asking too much to be in a relationship because thats where you want to be and not because you're biding your time or "having fun" or just waiting for something better to come along.

I find it very difficult to understand that someone can really love a person, think about them 24/7, love being around them, find little or no fault with them and at the same time not want to spend the rest of their life with the person. Wallahi tallahi that logic just fries my grey matter. The most annoying thing sef is not just that you feel all these things, its a free world we're entitled to our feelings. No the thing that really gets my goat is not telling the other person exactly how you feel therefore giving that person the freedom to choose whether they would prefer a temporary but "fun" relationship or whether they should just cut their losses and hanlele so they can find that person who completes them (yuck, can't believe I just quoted Jerry Maguire, but its an apt phrase though).

I'm the daughter of a rabid Catholic and I'm obedient enough to Doctrine to know that divorce is not an option for me. When I get married the only thing that will ever separate me from my husband is death, except of course he decides he must be an international ashewo, he takes it up the bum or has a fondness for kiddie down-there's (you see how much rope I give my future husband? He has so much to work with). In these cases still, I can only get an annulment which is a long, arduous project, therefore the idea of marrying the wrong person absolutely terrifies me. I know its probably the same for a lot of people hence the careful search for a significant other.

The distinguishing factor is that human beings have one dominant trait...we know exactly what we do not want. We may not know what we want but we sure as hell know what we don't want.

When you are in a serious relationship with another person, you know whether you want to end up with the person or not. I've heard some people have eureka moments when they had a St. Paul style epiphany and knew this was the one for them, I personally think thats a crock. You know from the get go if its eternity, 6 months or a one night stand, love doesn't take that long. Girls are usually the victims of this "String-Along Relationships" because we have expiry dates and are constantly in search of The One. But because guys have longer if not infinite ropes they can do as they please for as long as they please, women don't have that luxury.

As usual when I have man questions to ask I go to a man to break them down for me, I've never understood the logic of going to your girlfriends to analyse why a man did what he did, what can a kitty tell you? Only a schlong can give insight into another schlong's mind. Anyhoo the other day I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy who recently got married to a girl he'd only known for 7 months right after breaking up with his girlfriend who he had dated for 6 years. I needed to understand what the hell he was thinking. He and his ex seemed perfect for each other, they were like two sides of the same coin, they finished each others sentences, they wore the same trad to events, they were married without certificates and out of the blue he ends it and marries the next girl with whom he had even a semblance of a relationship with.

After our conversation I managed to gather a few strong points:

A guy may love a girl, have absolutely no fault with her but still not see a future together.

The issue is really not about being ready for marriage or not. When a guy meets the woman he wants to spend his life with he wifes her instantly to make sure he doesn't lose her. So all that bs excuses a guy will be giving for not wanting to get married e.g. "I haven't made enough money yet", "I'm not yet settled in life", "I'll make a terrible father" etc. All those fly out the window when he meets his dream woman. As my friend said and I quote "even if I had met Tolu(current wife, not her real name) when I was 21 and definitely not ready to get married I would have proposed then and there to make sure she never got away". I had to ask him that since he knew his ex wasn't the one, why did he spend all those years with her making nice and he was like he loved her, he just didn't want to marry her. (I died a little at that statement)

If you're in a long term relationship (over three years) with a guy who is above 30, financially secure and no hidden issues, and he hasn't wifed you yet, he doesn't think you're the one and he will never marry you. That one I didn't learn from my friend I learned it from watching Basketball Wives. Awon Evelyn and Suzie were in relationships for over 10 years, had kids and still didn't get rings. I know Evelyn is claiming that they were about to get married and she was the one who ended it, we all know that's a damn lie. No woman invests 10 years and a child in a man and then walks away when she can almost taste the wedding cake. Bs.

I know some babes delude themselves and even when the truth is staring them in the face they refuse to acknowledge it but we all know that if someone tells you they don't want you in black and white you have to be in severe denial to continue to be with that person. Its up to the person who's doing the stringing along to cut the strings because the victim is handicapped by the fact their emotions make them blind to everything else.

The basis of all the above tori is that if a dude wants you, he will wife you, no long ting. He can manage you and do a hell of a good job but since a man will rather shag his grandfather and two Alsatians than tell a woman what he really thinks as evidenced by Miafarradily's Madness With Men blog post, its up to the women in these String-Along Relationships to tell themselves some serious truths and decide exactly what to do to preserve their mental state away from these guys who can be selfish just because women are sellers in a buyers market.

To all the long term relationship repeat offenders, if you're greedy enough to drink the milk you might as well buy the damn cow.
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Thursday, March 17, 2011

ALEX FOLZI

No long ting today just wanted to give you guys a look-see at my awesomely faboosh Alex Folzi briefcase. I ordered it almost 3 weeks ago and my new cases trip from Canada to Scotland was a long and arduous one but we thank Jah for journey mercies because today 17th March 2011 my baby came home to me.

Feast your eyes....










Alex Folzi is a brand from Canada run by uber stylish Nigerian twins Fela and Fola Fagbure (I just love their names). Apart from the fact that they make beautiful leather ware, their customer service is also top notch, they communicated beautifully with me throughout the entire waiting period for the case. Great guys.

I was initially gonna go with pink because that's my favourite colour, so I put the question out on twitter and an overwhelming majority were in favour of orange, plus orange is more neutral than pink so I can totally rock it way more times.

And my leopard print pumps arrived today too. I see myself on a Friday night in the near future wearing my orange cropped knit top, high waist light brown peg leg trousers and my leopard print pumps......

Watch this space.
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Sunday, March 13, 2011

THE L WORD.....AND THE G WORD TOO


This photo is here for no other reason than I think I look cute as a mutha and i wanted you guys to see it. Wore this to a Price Waterhouse Coopers mixer, in a bid to bump myself up the internship position list. No such luck, next time I'm taking my top off.

So this weekend I crossed off another entry on my Bucket List, by going to a Gay Club.

*cue shocked silence*

Now I'm not sure where I am exactly on the liberal scale....probably somewhere between a six and an eight so I kinda have very contradictory views on LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) people. On the one hand I think people should be free to have sex with any human (you see I said human, so awon animal shaggers, don't think you get a free pass) they want, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. On the other hand though when I hear about LGBT people getting married or having kids, I just think thats unnatural.

I don't have any gay friends, well none that I know of and up until Friday night I'd never spoken to one for an extended period of time. There are a few in my building and we say hi and once I walked in on a lesbian couple making out in the laundry room and got the hell outta there pronto. So that's basically being my limited experience with people who swing any which way. I know in Lagos people say their main watering-hole is Caliente, but the few times I've been there I saw nothing out of the ordinary, maybe a few femme guys but nothing to get shocked about. I mean Denrele is on a drag queen tip 24/7/365 and I'm still on the fence about his sexuality.

Anyhoo, pre-Friday night, my gay experience was 0.2% and post-Friday night its more like 102%, completely amped up by the fact that I went to Mass with one of my new gay friends today and we're doing drinks Wednesday night.

Yes I'm a fag hag and I'm loving it.

The night started innocently enough. My coursework for my Marine & Coastal Law class is due on the 22nd so I stayed home all day busting my ass to make sure I don't plagiarize (I miss Naija copy and paste men). So around 11, Aruna comes to drag me out of my room and is like we have to go somewhere, I def didn't want to do clubbing because Aberdeen clubs are like cattle markets, bunch of men falling over themselves trying to talk to girls, no subtlety, no finesse, nada and I was just tired of being hit on. So she was like lets go see a movie and that was totally out of the question because I've never been able to watch anything that late and not fall asleep. I've disgraced many a friend by going to see the Silverbird or Genesis cinema 10pm movie and spending the entire time crashing, so I don't even bother anymore. I hadn't eaten so I said why don't we just got to Mickey D's, which is like the official after clubbing watering hole in Abz. Its on Union Street where all the major clubs are so once the clubs shut at 3am, everybody decends on McDonalds, so if you just go there at night without entering any bars or clubs you'll still get the full clubbing experience.

We set off, totally dressed down, jeans, tops, casual as a muthaf****r. After lemming tight, around like 1.30am we meet some guy who tells us about a few gay bars in the area. As the President of the Instigators Club of Imo State, I was so down to go, Aruna wasn't feeling it, some of her good girl Indian shtick started to kick in but I wasn't having it and before she knew wassup we were paying our 2 pounds and entering the strangest dance floor I've ever seen in my life.

To say I was amazed was an understatement, I was completely floored. Girls dancing with each other, guys dancing with each other, girls making out with each other, guys making out with each other.

Total sensory overload.

To be confronted with one or two gay people is one thing but to observe about 200 of them at such close range was mind-blowing and I LOVED IT!

First of all there were no pervy guys trying to cop a feel by intentionally squeezing past your bum or boobs, there was no fronting, they were so uninhibited, the music was fabulous, people (well, just the guys) were so well dressed, the energy was something else. I was just like woah. We walked in slowly, quick look around there are like two other dudu's there, a guy and a girl, the rest is a sea of vanilla and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. I was just thinking if it was a hetero club a guy and girl won't be sucking face like this so openly but these people were just going at it.

I was immediately blocked by the campiest guy there, dude is doing the finger snapping, the head rolling, the "you are so fierce girl, turn around let me see that butt. Ooh guurrrrl you are werking it" *snap snap*

I kid you not.

Under my fringe, my eyebrows had reached my hairline. From there the night could only go up, I had an absofreakinlutely awesome night. I danced on a stage, flashed my bra (unintentionally though, I was dancing and one of the guys pulled my top down, the crowd roared), got felt up by like 37 guys who had absolutely no interest in my lady parts. It was savage.


Khai. He was the one that caused my indecent exposure, I strongly suspect thats not his real name, its probably Angus or Craig or something but whatever strums his guitar.


Khai, giving me his best fierce pose. According to him, he has a massive crush on Simon Cowell. *I shudder*


Aruna and some random straight guy who latched on to us

Funny enough I wasn't approached by one single lesbian. Himself thought this was hilarious but I was highly offended, what are they trying to say, that I'm not a hot girl or what? I got more attention from the guys than the girls, maybe if I pierced my tongue........

Then for the ultimate shocker of the night, I was dancing on the stage and sharpening my gbegborun vision across the room in case I spotted anyone I knew when I saw an African head moving in a motion which suggested that locking of the lips was taking place. I was just like "its a lie". The black guy I had clocked earlier and I knew from seeing him around that he was Nigerian was furiously engaged in a tongue wrestling session with a white guy. I nearly had to be carried off the stage, I was that shocked.

I like to think I'm very worldly and modern but in reality I'm way more Victorian than even I suspect and even if by then I was on first name terms with many of the guys I had met that night, the sight of a Nigerian guy kissing another guy completely freaked me out. I really can't reconcile whether homosexuality is right or wrong because even though its expressly forbidden in the Bible, lots of things are also expressly forbidden but we do them every single day so why is who someone chooses to love such a big issue? For a long time I honestly always thought gay people were all about the sex, like they didn't even have relationships but when that whole gay marriage hullaballoo was going on in California and they were showing on the news all these couples that were rushing to get married before the decision was overturned, I started to sort of see where they were coming from. They showed really old couples like over 70 and stuff who had being together all their lives and were so emotional at the fact that they were finally able to make their relationships legal, it was actually quite touching. Also talking to a lot of the people I met on Friday, lots of them were in long term relationships or civil partnerships, to them it was normal and a way of life and they couldnt understand why people were so prejudiced against them. I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people but I've begun to truly understand the loneliness these people have dealt with all their lives, especially the ones that live in societies as bigoted as ours in Nigeria. I can't say I'm completely in support but I think I'm coming round a bit to the fact that someone being gay is not the worst thing in the world. Somehow I always think people that are so violently opposed to homosexuality themselves are secretly attracted to it because the kind of passion that goes into some attacks is just suspect. Its like Kurt in Glee and that football player that was always bullying him for being gay and then kissed him one day...case in point.

So oui, I had a faboosh night.

Earlier in the week it was my friend Dimi's birthday and the plan was to do lunch at Jimmy Cheungs at the beach and go see a movie. That was my first time at the beach in Abz and its literally behind my flat, like a 15 minute walk but right now I see no sense in making my way there again because I associate beaches with warm weather and sunlight but you'll still catch some mentallers in shorts throwing beachballs while hail is falling around them.


I thought this cake was so cute. For my birthday this year I must have a cake that I will jump out of or I'll eat my duvet.


TWP and the birthday girl. Forgive my slightly extended stomach, 6.95 all you can eat Chinese buffet and we're in a recession man, its never good to waste food. Best believe ish popped right back in after an hour, damn I love my body, can't believe a baby is gonna come one day and mess it up permanently.

*sidebar* I think thats a total Nigerian thing, my mother forced me to always finish my food for so long that even now I find it very hard to leave food on my plate. Even though my stomach is bursting and my pants can't zip up and I'm not even hungry anymore I always insist on cleaning the plate. Small portions are the way to go.


The very bleak view of the North Sea. I think there's sand and stuff down those stairs but I didn't even bother finding out, too cold for such nonsense. In other countries with civilised weather, at their beaches you'll probably get views of yachts or speedboats or beach houses and people sunbathing. In Scotland you see, oil tankers and drilling platforms. FML

I need to go somewhere sunny soon or I'll shave my head. The necessary party should take note #ThatIsAll

After lunch we saw the movie The Adjustment Bureau which just had a daft ending, I love Emily Blunt so I was hoping for so much more, the whole fairytale slash subtle modern age Christianity thing didn't do it for me. I have nothing against fantasy in movies, Harry Potter is pure fantasy and I'm a die-hard Stan but that's the thing, the movie is all make-believe. Unlike The Adjustment Bureau which was a serious movie about politics and love and stuff and next thing it was angels in suits and hats and a God-figure called The Chairman, very upsetting...extremely.

I refuse to talk about The Arise Fashion shows because I'm insanely jealous of the people that got to go while I'm cramming environmental liability and water discharge and re-injection but I have to put it out there, I hate you all. One thing I will mention though, is the scam I heard Thisday pulled about the entry fee and I'm not surprised in the least. Thisday pull off the biggest events in Nigeria and I've been to every single one, I practically have Thisday event miles and so I'm well aware of the amount of money that changes hands to procure entry. One of the shows they had, the R. Kelly one, was N250,000 per head and 5 mil a table, 250k is more than my Law School fees by the way and yet that room was packed, every seat was taken. So when I heard that the entry was free I was highly suspicious. They were now hit with the 10k and 50k fee on the day of the event, I personally thought it was hilarious, how on earth anyone would think Mr. Obaigbena would do anything for free is just amazing. I was not surprised at all, just that it was a bitch move to pull after babes would have hustled for baffs in anticipation of coming out in BellaNaija and Thisday Style, where do you expect these fame whores-in-training to get that kind of mula from?

If I were in Lagos, the laugh I'd have had, kai. I'd probably still be rolling now.

Love and light people xxx
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Monday, March 7, 2011

The Randomness

This past weekend was officially my favourite weekend since I left the bright lights of Gidi and moved to the boondocks.

It started with a visit to a strip club or rather, to be more politically correct, a "Gentleman's Club" with my friends.....lemme backtrack a bit.

I committed an unpardonable sin and forgot to update my profashionals with gist. A couple of weeks ago, I was at my friend Jola's flat for a drinks/mini house party do, nothing serious just chilling. Midway through the festivities, there were about fifteen people there, dude announces that he booked a stripper for the night,

I was like "Na yam"

Him: "I swear down"

Me: "Na beans"

Him: "Wallahi!"

Me: "Porraro"

Him: "Why don't you believe me now?"

Me: "Even if you have five heads and one bob marley, no be only stripper" *yimu*

I wanna eat my words die that night.

At around 11.30pm, there was a mini commotion at the door and I saw Jola's Greek flatmate running into the flat, barely able to put together a coherent sentence, apparently whatever he had seen at the door had rendered all his intensive English Language lessons redundant and dude was just grunting, arms flailing while he attempted to put a sentence together. I whispered to my friend Amerie "if there's really a stripper there, I'll eat my ghd hair straightener" (y'all know that ish is costly, so you can imagine the level of my conviction that everyone around me was lying).

The door opened and a very scantily dressed babe walked in and was like "turn up the music", I. Was. Stunned.

*Sidebar: Now maybe a lot of you have had personal experiences with girls who shed their clothing and writhe around starkers for collective crowd enjoyment, well I Miss Thirdworldprofasional, have had zero experiences with persons of that category, so this was a huuge deal for me. I have a very shameless obsession with prostitutes, strippers and pornstars, an obsession which The Awesome Himself finds extremely alarming. I just find them so interesting, my lifelong wish is to sit down with one of the afore-mentioned and just ask them questions about their lives.The level of desperation you have to sink to to do what these girls do is a source of endless fascination for me. One time I even convinced Himself to stop on Adeola Hopewell street in VI so I could talk to a prostitute, this babe now thought I had other things on my mind and was now like "eight thousand for short time, but na only for your oga or the two of you?". I was gearing up to reply this highly interesting question when Himself gave the accelerator belle and sped out of there visibly shaken at my brazen behaviour.

Anyhoo, conclusion is I was hella excited to finally meet a stripper. The girl walked in, someone turned up the gbedu and she started taking her clothes off, I and Amerie just clutched each other and kept screaming throughout the performance. This girl took EVERYTHING off and started showing her wares, full frontal, nothing was left to the imagination, I saw lady parts I didn't even know I had sef, the exposure was that blinding. Guys were excited, adjusting themselves, packing...Kai, what my eyes saw that day, I still can't fully articulate it.

THURSDAY
Thinking off what to do on another dulling night in The Grampians, Miss Jayla suggested we go to a "Gentleman's Club", I was like no wahala and just arranged a posse to accompany us. We entered the club and I spotted the stripper from the house party I went to, we both screamed and hugged each other. My friends were flabberwhelmed, as in how did I know a stripper so intimately we'd reached hugging levels. The long and the short of all this yarns sha is that my new friend decided to give me a lap dance, ladies you must do this at least once before you die. You know when we used to play Truth or Dare in secondary school and we'd dare someone to give another person a lap dance and everybody will be screaming like it was the greatest thing ever? Believe me when I say these girls have degrees in lapdancing, PhD's sef. The movement was intricate, they took no prisoners, totally dedicated to their craft and as I gisted Himself when I got home that night, I finally know what breast implants feel like, now I can die happy.


Pre-strip club, had to stop at a bar and get a White Russian to fortify myself


The yummiest drink ever, tastes like a cold capuccino but the alcohol content is lethal



Miss Jayla


Dimi and Remi

.....and yeah, we all got lap dances.

FRIDAY
I went to see Gnomeo and Juliet with Aruna, which is just the cutest movie ever. I loved it, but I love cheesy movies so if you're not the hearts and flowers type never ever take movie recommendations from me. This movie was hella funny though, Emily Blunt was in it and I feel like she's in like 317 movies this year. Everywhere I look there's a movie trailer with Emily Blunt in it, I remember when this happened to Jude Law one year and he took a hit for the over exposure.

I hope it doesn't happen to her though because she's such an awesome actress, she had me at "I'm sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to?". Emily and Miranda were the entire movie.


With my goody bag from the Kiki Kamanu show at LFW, I really have to do the post on Fahsion Mavericks next. The bag had an ankara Victorian style ruff thingy in it, that could also double as a sort of vest. Amazeballs!


Aruna

Friday evening I battened down the hatches and stayed home eating chocolate ginger biscuits and watching Fringe, while sounds of merriment were echoing outside my flat door, I refused to be moved. Nothing comes between me, Olivia Dunham and Walter Bishop.

SATURDAY
It started off not too great when I, Jayla and a few other friends went for one of the thousands of Nigerian house parties people love to throw here, dead looking babes, guys in cornrows and earrings.....smh, best thing about them is always the music, standard naija tunes and hiphop compared to electro-pop house stuff you get in the clubs. We had to get into the Raspberry Vodka and Coke just to be able to crack a smile, after a while we started to get merry. I noticed Ive built up an amazing tolerance for alcohol, I never had the head for it so I hardly ever drank but now I'm so much better, its a miracle.


Jayla *and yes I know her real name isn't Jayla, its just that, thats her twitter handle and I'm so used to seeing it I can't help calling her that all the time*


My love affair with leopard print is going to be consummated this year, trust.

We escaped from the "party" and went on to a bar and kept getting happier and happier. You know that feeling when you're in great company, everyone looks hot, you've all partaken of your libations so tongues have been loosened, everything is so damn funny? Yeah well that was our mood the entire night, went on from there to a club called Aurum and tore down the dancefloor, apart from a semi-drunken call to Himself I didn't do too shabby at all.

SUNDAY
Spent the day doing laundry and watching my beloved United lose. The shame of it, I would have preferred we lost to Arsenal than to those Scousers. The enmity between Manchester United and Liverpool goes back years, it is deep and to be beaten at Anfield, I have no words, none at all.

It is well sha.

It is now 1.44am and I have a class at 9am....au revoir mon profashionals

Love and Light xxx

p.s. Charlie Sheen has just been causing wahala on twitter this weekend and even the ones with #GoatBlood and #MgbekeDna will follow and be tweeting #Winning.

*you have to be on twitter to get what I meant above*

Dude entered the Guinness Book of Records for gaining over a million followers on twitter in just 24 hours, tres impressive, trust. I confess I am one of the 1 million followers just praying he has a public meltdown on twitter and starts naming members of the illuminati or something....
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