Thursday, November 11, 2010

EX-RULES GIRL


*WARNING* Emotional post ahead, this should be my first and last insight into my private life. #OkThanksReadOn

It seems like I've been on a bit of a battle of the sexes or relationship type p lately but that's just the place I'm in right now.

Have you guys ever heard of this book "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider? As posted in their Wikipedia page, "The book argues that in order to attract and marry the man of her dreams, a woman should be 'hard to get'. A woman who follows "the rules" is called a Rules Girl. The underlying philosophy of which is that women should not aggressively pursue men, but rather ought to get the men to pursue them."

A few years ago I read this book and became an instant "Rules Girl", I followed the directives to a tee, and some gems include:

# Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other
# Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
# Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
# Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
# Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
# Always End Phone Calls and dates First
# Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after 3:00PM.
# Fill Up Your Time before the Date
# ALWAYS end the date first
# Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
# Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
# No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
# Don't Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates
# Don't Tell Him What to Do
# Let Him Take the Lead
# Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
# Don’t Open Up Too Fast
# Be Honest but Mysterious

I cannot lie, The Rules worked beautifully, I had guys hanging from the rafters and I'm sure some of them did not even understand why they were panting after me but that aura of unavailability was too seductive to resist. The fatal flaw as I later discovered was what happens after you've snagged the man of your dreams, do you keep being a Rules Girl or drop the act?

Humans being more or less animals with developed brain matter, at some point revert to type, no matter how long you've been able to pretend to be something you're not your true nature always pushes through and because you love this man you schemed to capture, you're going to want to show it. You're going to want to let him know when he hurts you, let him know if you're thinking about him 37 times a day, basically let him know you care. According to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider however, you have to keep practicing The Rules forever, you should never drop the act, you have to keep being the one who loves the least and therefore has the power.

That makes for a very unhappy relationship though and I should know, I applied The Rules diligently. I always had the power, I always had the boyfriends tripping over themselves to please me, to give me everything I wanted, my wish was their command. Which is why my relationships never lasted because I was racked by indecision, "did he really like me or was it just because I was running advanced game?", "did I really like them or did I just enjoy the effect I had on them?". I got called a lot of names; cold, tough girl, hard, unfeeling......when I was tired of the relationships I just bailed, most times without explanation. I have the unique position of never having being dumped, never having a broken heart because I worked diligently to make sure that never happened to me.

I knew I was scared of being that girl but it never made sense to me why I should be afraid of being dumped because how can you fear that which you have never experienced?

Early last year though after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years, I had a long talk with myself. what I was doing basically made no sense, I schemed and planned and plotted to get people who already wanted me in the first place. I was playing games where I thought I was the winner but I was actually losing steadily because after a while the constant unavailability was hard to keep up. Honestly though, its not my fault we're conditioned to behave like this by unbelievable media and societal pressure, but now I just think I don't give a f**k anymore. Some couples stay fronting for each other even after marriage, you see a husband and wife and they're all uptight around each other, putting on airs and graces in front of their life partner...God forbid.

I will never be the kind of girl who can walk up to a guy and ask for his number, or call him first or pursue him. However, I have become the kind of girl that:
#Will smile and carry on a conversation when he approaches me rather than keeping my face like five naira and acting like my s**t don't stink.
#Will call him whenever I feel like it ( I once had a rule that I never spoke to a guy after 9pm and before 10am, smh at myself).
#Will tell him I'm thinking about him even when he hasn't said it that day.
#Will show genuine interest in a guy and not make him feel I was doing him a favour by being with him(another Adaku special)
#Will actually go out of my way and inconvenience myself for him (I truly never did that before, ever)

I definitely still observe some of The Rules but I don't devote myself to them anymore and I'm much happier because I realized the best way to conduct a proper relationship is to let go. Be yourself (I know everybody knows this but trust me I didn't know), drop all pretenses, show you care. If it works out, then thank God because you've hit the relationship jackpot but if it doesn't then thank God also because it means he or she is still out there, you just haven't met them yet *in the voice of Michael Buble* and you have been saved from making a gargantuan mistake.

So this is me letting go and letting God, saying things I would normally not say, doing things I'd have konked myself for doing in the past, maybe it will work out, maybe it won't but at least I'd know I was honest in all my dealings.

*Abeg, guys I had a genuine lack of interest in, you know yourselves. Don't read this and be thinking I bothered to pull out The Rules for you. You only bring out the big guns for the serious ones, not all those waka pass dudes. Those steps were taken for only true relationships of which I've had only two...you know yourselves still*

*No more of all this emo b.s. I promise my profashionals oodles of vapid, airhead type posts*



*Apparently Ellen Fein later got divorced, maybe her husband read the book and was like "Oooh snap! That bitch got me good", or something I don't know but you really shouldn't be giving relationship advice if your own relationship is not quite right. Love those girls still*
Share:

15 comments

  1. first time on your page!Your header picture is soooooooooooo gorgeous.
    I like your new rules jare.If you a guy approaches you and you are also genuinely interested then nothing wrong in doing all the thing you have noted here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Welcome babe, I promise to keep you entertained, lol. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  3. All the best in your relationships dear, never believed in rules myself. Some of those ones are just common sense, others are too fake.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Truthfully I never thought I'd live to see you write this. Did I notice you being a Rules Girl?? Course I did...Goodluck mehn..Can I push/rebroadcast on Facebook for all those strong "Rules Girls" faithful..

    ReplyDelete
  5. wow...umm why does it feel like you are writing about me...hmmmm I think I need to have a talk with myself...*sigh*

    Great Post!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Being a rules girl can be pretty easy if you, on some level, do not really care about that person. Trust me, even if you hadn't decided to drop the act, when The One comes, you wouldn't even remember those so called 'rules' ever existed!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Being a rules girl can be pretty easy if you, on some level, do not really care about that person. Trust me, even if you hadn't decided to drop the act, when The One comes, you wouldn't even remember those so called 'rules' ever existed! But good one baring all!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. OMG, i was going to do a post on 'the rules' too, actually i have a draft on it. i got this book when i was 18. I agree with some of the rules, but bla.....

    remember where it says, dont discuss the rules with your therapist or family, cos they'd think it's manipulative and dishonest?

    the joke of it, cos it really is manipulative and dishonest, you find yourself holding back and being who you're not, making him fall in love with the controlled you....what happens when you get married and the real you begins to manifest? you'll get divorced like Ellen.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Soo...like, this was an AMAZING read because it describes the battle I have going on with myself at the moment.
    Being brought up in such a "proper" family, these "rules" were instilled in me from birth...you know, the "As a lady..." Lectures (heard those a million times). 'Twas all I knew until I met someone who gave me a different perspective on it all. This guy would constantly call me out on EVERYTHING I did. He told me I was a rules girl and explained it to me...I was dumbfounded. I didn't even know I was...I thought that's just how you're supposed to act. Somewhere in my mind, I imagined every girl was brought up that way and it was a choice of being the "good girl" would listen and obey, or being the "bad girl" that wouldn't, and all others were just not "privileged" to these "rules" that made you a super, awesome, and very desirable lady. When I realized that I was a "rules girl", it crushed my world. Crushed me because it goes against being the said "rules girl". You strive to be this "perfect girl" that all the guys want...you walk around with your nose turned up to the sky, thinking "I'm perfect", because you have LEARNED to do/not do certain things that make you more "desirable" to men, to get you the attention, to make you that "it" girl. But then, you realize, that you actually aren't REALLY perfect, you just know how to ACT perfect, and even though you do it REALLY well, you still really are not. Perfect. It's a hard act to keep up with in relationships, and when you can't do it anymore, you bail. That devastated me, because in all my perfection, I STILL wasn't perfect! What?! o_O? So now for me, the battle is shedding YEARS of being "perfect" in order to be perfectly me...and it's not an easy task. One would think being yourself shouldn't be a "task", but after putting up a front for so long, you almost forget how to be genuine and have to learn how to be you over again. Now, ain't that something?
    Anyways, sorry for the long comment...just really loved your post. Someone (guy mentioned earlier) sent me this link (thank you).

    ReplyDelete
  10. Soo...like, this was an AMAZING read because it describes the battle I have going on with myself at the moment.
    Being brought up in such a "proper" family, these "rules" were instilled in me from birth...you know, the "As a lady..." Lectures (heard those a million times). 'Twas all I knew until I met someone who gave me a different perspective on it all.
    This guy would constantly call me out on EVERYTHING I did. He told me I was a rules girl and explained it to me...I was dumbfounded. I didn't even know I was...I thought that's just how you're supposed to act. Somewhere in my mind, I imagined every girl was brought up that way and it was a choice of being the "good girl" would listen and obey, or being the "bad girl" that wouldn't, and all others were just not "privileged" to these "rules" that made you a super, awesome, and very desirable lady.
    When I realized that I was a "rules girl", it crushed my world. Crushed me because it goes against being the said "rules girl". You strive to be this "perfect girl" that all the guys want...you walk around with your nose turned up to the sky, thinking "I'm perfect", because you have LEARNED to do/not do certain things that make you more "desirable" to men, to get you the attention, to make you that "it" girl. But then, you realize, that you actually aren't REALLY perfect, you just know how to ACT perfect, and even though you do it REALLY well, you still really are not. Perfect. It's a hard act to keep up with in relationships, and when you can't do it anymore, you bail.
    That devastated me, because in all my perfection, I STILL wasn't perfect! What?! o_O?
    So now for me, the battle is shedding YEARS of being "perfect" in order to be perfectly me...and it's not an easy task. One would think being yourself shouldn't be a "task", but after putting up a front for so long, you almost forget how to be genuine and have to learn how to be you over again. Now, ain't that something?
    Anyways, sorry for the long comment...just really loved your post. Someone (guy mentioned earlier) sent me this link (thank you).

    ReplyDelete
  11. I dunno really! I think with everything in life, one should take everything with a pinch of salt and not just follow every rule or doctrine to a tee. These are supposed to be guidelines and not like the gospel truth. Some of these rules do make sense and some need to be "modified" to fit this day and age and one's personal lifestyle. After coming out of a situation (praise be to God for deliverance! hehehehehe, I would say I could have done well for myself by re-acquainting myself with these rules. I dont think these rules are for "fronting" purposes - I think they are supposed to impart the reader with a dose of self-preservation. But then again, too much of a anything is invariably bad! Slightly tweaked and modified to personal taste with some room for spontaneity, these rules (which are common sense on paper and d same in all relational books) can be very helpful....just my two cents

    ReplyDelete
  12. Earn easily 200 dollars here in the internet. Simply be an affiliated member and promote the site and its product! http://www.earn-200-dollars-online.info/

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm a michael buble fan myself and I do love that song, the right person is out there, "i just haven't met you yet" i'm in the same boat as you with the rules, way too strict, I felt really uncomfortable about not returning a call when a guy would leave me a voicemail asking him to please call him back; they are way to strict, your new are more realistic

    ReplyDelete
  14. This post is old, but I also left the rules movement. Sure, some rules work bc theyre common sense. The coaches and the authors are just something else.....don't feel like you have to follow their every word. As a former rg myself, I also felt very fake and having to hide my true strengths of being warm and giving. Doing so may work against you. Be your best and do what's best for you.

    ReplyDelete

© THIRD WORLD PROFASHIONAL . com | All rights reserved.
Blogger Template Designed by pipdig