Thursday, November 18, 2010

What A Guy Wants Pt 2

Two posts ago I talked about the unattainable standards society set for women to achieve in order to score the man of their dreams. A male friend of mine read it and after laughing at me for a few days said he was going to write a response to my "unnecessary" (his words) rant. See below:

Daks doesn’t always breathe fire, but when she does, feel free to run screaming in any direction AWAY from the flames. Do not act like me and put on some flame-retardant suit (notice the word “retard” is in there) and run towards her, Robert Redford you are not. At first I thought, man, this post is full of holes! But I didn’t say that to her. Neither did I compliment her (believe me she noticed), I just said, I’d write a response, and so I have. (after setting my affairs in order and taking out a hefty insurance policy)

Women’s magazines are a trip, and I do not speak from a place of ignorance on this. My mother had an ungodly supply of Cosmo, Redbook, People, etc which I used to feed my voracious appetite for reading material. She’s right about the slant towards pleasing your man above all things. But it’s quite obvious that men need only 3 things…
1. Food
2. Sex
3. You to shut up when the game is on TV

Most women know this, yet are still snake-charmed into buying the “99-ways to tell if he loves you” edition of Cosmo with the mind-bending bustier of Penelope Cruz on the cover.

Why you ask?

Because women are very, very complicated and hence, cannot fathom that men can actually be different (read: simple). These writers realize that, and choose to bolster the insecurities of these women in order to make money. Men’s magazines do the opposite. The editor knows that if he puts out a PRIME tip that works wonders he will sell a ridiculous amount of magazines. This is why when FHM published “the Altoid trick” I became a lifetime subscriber.

But back to the main issue…*ahem*

Daks thinks that men have a ridiculous set of criteria for the women they wish to bless with marriage, and this clusterfuck has been propagated by women’s magazines with their laundry lists of Stepford-type brainwashing.


Men DO want a lot, and we happen to be totally unreasonable about it. Guess what? Why don’t the women put their collective foot down and say “NO”? No more Betty Crocker-Sasha Grey crossovers. Make it a “take-it or leave-it” transaction with added emphasis on whether or not the man meets the basic standards of the woman in question. There's the simple answer: “good” men are in short supply, so women being women, endeavor to scheme their way to the man of their choosing; whether it be by performing Julia Child-like miracles in the kitchen; bamboozling him with unspeakable sexual antics; or generally bending over backwards to cater to his every whim, to their own detriment, because the “mystery” that all women possess is then sacrificed out of desperation.

That mystery is that THING that women have that brings men to their knees, that certain air, that je nais se quoi, the thing all men wish to possess and control but never seem to get a firm grasp on.

It is the thing that ensures that no man should ever TOTALLY have a woman figured out. Once that happens…the fire burns out. The power shifts, and then women scramble to regain his interest, his passion, but the mystery might never return if you just let it go. If I was the editor-in-chief of Cosmo/Glamour etc my articles would focus on teaching women one simple thing: How to keep the “mystery” alive. Tips and tricks on how to keep the guy YOU want interested. Even AFTER you snag him. His interest will always be up, and his demands will go down, because he will always think that he has an AMAZING woman in his corner and will not feel he has to ask for anything.

There are some who think that this is all balderdash and poppycock. That they are just fine with the status quo as evidenced by Daks’ post.
Well there’s always the possibility that you will end up like this sad excuse for a female
[Oprah & Steve Harvey with a woman for 40+ requirements for the man she would date/marry]

*Now if I understand the above correctly, the writer says apart from food, sex and sports related silence, all men want is for their woman to be mysterious, to constantly keep them guessing. This still brings me back to my earlier rants, WE'RE BOTH SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING. That is not simple, it is not easy to be mysterious, mystery is not wired into a human being's dna, it takes work therefore you're still going back to my argument that men expect too much from women. No woman would want their man to go around being all mysterious and ish. i think we're at an impasse, I tire jare, just do you, anybody that doesn't like it can like to use ogbono for skipping rope. KMT.*

pps: what is the "altoid" trick?



  1. ogbono for skipping rope! laughing my f+_!(*g head off.

    I think mystery is like greatness- you're either born with it or all those other things I don't care to type now.

    Angelina Jolie is the poster child for mysterious....can we ask her how she does it?

  2. To the guy, I too would also like to know what the 'altoid trick' is! Great stuff though. But again, its just like Daks said, only by you this time.

  3. This post makes no logical or emotional sense. Men don't want much but then they do? A woman shouldn't 'bend over backwards' but then she should try and remain all 'mysterious'?
    What does 'mysterious' mean anyway? How should she be mysterious? I find local market women totally mysterious, I also find super snooty up their own arses girls mysterious...just saying.

  4. What's not to understand?
    If a woman is willing to jump through hoops, a man will make her...for his own chauvinistic pleasure.
    The mystery keeps men in check.
    But please...nobody said turn yourself into Carmen Sandiego.

  5. Lmao @ Carmen Sandiego!

    1st time reader and I'm hooked.

    Sports, Eat and Fuck (hope I can say that on here) unfortunately that's really how boring guys are, I'm leaning more on the side of them being simple because face it, women do have superior intellect, we have girlfriends b'cos we need to engage in enhancing conversation and be sure the other participant has some grey matter stimulus which doesn't include "Ok that's great but when do we get it on?!" Going round in circles....

    I think women switch things up and maintain mystery (complicated in better terms) because we prefer variety AND we also love loyalty and trust. They can go 2gether guys!

  6. Ahem! Let me "try" to speak to what your friend is talking about...

    I do't think the "mystery" is some kind juju that one babalawo has to give you. I THINK (emphasis on THINK) that what he is saying is that women should not become complacent...

    Now let me relate this to real life. When you were were all suited up..u knew your *isht* were livin' and breathin' proactivity..Then you got the job BUT you had to be on probation..say american style - 90 days. Tell me, for those wouldn't be running on 200% efficiency? tell me if you wouldnt be getting to work like an hr or mayb 30mins earl? you wouldnt work late? you wouldnt take that extra time on a report you had to write up for your boss! OFCOURSE YOU WOULD! Why? how about you dont wanna lose your job? especially in this recession!

    So why would you be taking care of your self when your dating or while you are "talking" to a guy and then the minute y'all become let him "see you finish"? or when you were dating you would wear lingerie to bed or patapata a cute marry are "tying wrapper" Chai! or how about when you were dating or talking you had other interests in life - working out, drawing, heck singing sef! and then you become official and then guess what! all of a sudden your interests have disappered-can you say "abracadabra" and you are always there...always at home..always available..always "up" to do "anything"...the you become "needy" and get upset when dude says "im off to hang with the boys" and you say "well i gave up the girls for you"..ehn who sent you message nah?

    IN SUMMARY (loong post! sorry)..The "mystery" is maintain your individuality...dont let yourself "go"..continue to be stimulate all his senses like you did when y'all were dating or talking......

    Disclaimer: if after all this, dude is complaining still..errrmmm pls drop his behind!

  7. Errmm I apologize for my typos. Can't find the edit button :(

  8. @Remz, its my new favourite phrase. Too funny. Angelina is just a mammywater, there's no other explanation for her fabulousity.

    @Yoko, I've been told the altoid trick, bb me for details.

    @Anon 12.35 I'm as confused as you are, the post is saying men aren't complicated, just chill out and you'll be cool and at the same time its saying be mysterious. You can't reconcile the two postitons.

    @Anon 2.25 For you dear, I have no words

    @Atim Welcome my love

    @Funke We're still saying the same tghing, when you're keeping up appearances first time at a job, its not natural, its not you and its difficult to maintain which is why after a while you drop the act. Doing all that in a relationship means never dropping the act its exhausting.

  9. How does one remain 'mysterious' how does one keep the 'mystery'? That's really an ambiguous term which says all and says nothing all at once. It's like inserting the term 'reasonable' in an agreement! What's the test of a 'reasonable' man? How does one measure mystery?

  10. Forgive me ladies because I took a minute to laugh at your "confusion"
    There's no instruction booklet for the "mystery". Why? Because only women know HOW they do it and y'all would never publish it for fear that a man would read it and understand.
    Go read the "EX-RULES GIRL" post.
    Its extremely similar except that when you decide to torture this man, you'd probably use one and not all of the rules on him at once. You would also allow him to have some gratification, (1st base, 2nd base etc) so that his already blue balls don't explode.
    Last the mystery is unique to every woman and completely misunderstood by men on the receiving end.
    Even though I can write about it, as a man I can admit to being utterly bamboozled by its potency on more than one occasion.
    And you know what? i LIKED it.

  11. This is why girls/women throw sex at guys so soon and so easily. Shey sex can be part of the mystery too no?

    What kinda guys are you referring to? The Lagos ones that everyone is divorcing? Me I fear lag guys sha those slushhh kid kains.

  12. Point blank women are complex creatures and it is hard for women to fathom men/anyone being so simple so women try to make men more complex then the really are.

    P.S. Altoids trick is an old school BJ trick with mints

  13. men sure r a handful.ur suppposed 2be mysterious 2 dem and at d same time, love dem wholeheartedly witout holding anything back. ( an ex once told me i didnt "attach" myself 2 him n make him feel needed)how do dese 2 requirements work 2 gether. me i've decided 2 enjoy my life while guys figure out wot dey want. i cant be doin requirements analysis 4 men.i just do me n i'm cool like that. one of my colleagues really likes ur blog. i like it 2 nice posts. xx


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