Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Post About Nothing

Miss my Neks baby..........



Got back yesterday and as usual Aberdeen weather did not disappoint, when I left NY it was 32 degrees, landed in Abz and it was 14 degrees, I nearly ran back through immigration. Its weird because normally when its like 14, 15 degrees here that's a pretty warm day but whenever I go somewhere really hot and come back to Abz, I have to re-adjust all over again. Like when I went to Nigeria in April, the day I was leaving it was like 13 degrees and I was sweating, fast forward a week later I landed back in Aberdeen, temperature was 15 degrees and I felt like I was in a freezer. Gotta love the North Sea.

It just hit me this morning that I'll actually be on holiday till October, that's four long months, yeah I'll be writing my dissertation in the meantime but four months is not beans at all. So being the anal retentive control freak that I am, I already have every day of my four month holiday planned to a T.

*sidebar* In my next life I want to be an unreliable, spontaneous, live life by the seat of your pants kinda person. Even though I don't trust people who have no idea what they're going to be doing tomorrow talk less of next week, I've always thought it might be a little fun to be like that. People never have any expectations of you, for instance if you say you're going to be somewhere at 3 O'clock, you'll be given a two hour headstart and even when you flout that and show up at 7 O'clock people will just smile ruefully and shake their heads fondly at you. On the other hand if I say I'm going to be somewhere at 3 O'clock, I'm so famed for my strict adherence to punctuality that at five minutes to three, people start wondering where I am. Its exhausting.

Anyhoo my vacation timeline is looking something like this;

JUNE London at the end of the month for fellow QC girl Ayo's wedding. I CANNOT wait for this! I'm going to see people I haven't seen since graduation in 2001, in two words and a punctuation mark....live.com

JULY Londres again for my birthday (July 7th) #CancerSeason Raahhh Raaahhh!!! and my fam Ije's wedding.

AUGUST Austria for my flatmate Aruna's wedding, weddings are a great source of vacation spots for real. Then maybe back to the United States to tag along with my mum when she packs my baby brother off to college.

*sidebar* being my mother's handbag is a plum position, you get to go EVERYWHERE because mummy dearest doesn't like to travel alone, but since she gave birth to my baby brother and sister I have being supplanted. These usurpers have already gone through two passports in their short time on earth and there are rumours that a third is in the works, at my old age my passport has less stamps than theirs. It is well.

SEPTEMBER Budapest for my booski Oyidiya's Med School graduation and tentatively Paris with my besties Nwabugo and Nneka, and in an effort to get the best out of that Schengen visa, might stop over in Rotterdam to see my friend Iffie.

As a dependent student, this cockroach waka will be funded by a combination of faith, the parents and the meager earnings I scratch out from being unable to work more than twenty hours a week, but I'm a firm believer in "Confession is Possession". I swear this mantra has always worked for me, if you want something badly enough, the universe will conspire to give it to you and at the risk of sounding smug, I think I've probably got everything I've ever wanted.

Well except twins......I don't have my twin babies yet, but I'm working on it.

Was hoping to squeeze in a trip to Nigeria but Mrs. U put the kibbosh on that one, she however conceded to the end of the year, so Lagos for Christmas 2011 is a dead cert, tickets booked for December 19th, otito dili Jesu......na ndu ebebe! (sp?). Hopefully my parents won't insist on staying in the village for the entire duration, don't get me wrong, I love Aro but I know the main reason for keeping me ensconced there will be in the vain hope that I manage to snare myself a husband before the New Year. I've honestly always wondered why when parents want their spinster daughters to find husbands they go to the village, is that where all the husband material men are too? I keep telling my parents that I'm more likely to meet my husband sitting in traffic on Ozumba Mbadiwe than while making the rounds at the best homes in Ndiamazu-Uno, but they don't listen.

As you can obviously tell this post has no definite structure, its just streams of consciousness. I actually started out with the intention of writing a deeply personal post, my second ever (regular readers will know the first one) but the disadvantage to being a visible blogger as opposed to an anonymous one is that you can't let go as much as you want to.

Since I learned to write, putting words on paper has been extremely cathartic. Most times when I feel overwhelmed writing everything down helps to sort out the mess in my head but sadly I can't do that here because then people will know the inner me as opposed to the outer persona which believe me are not really the same person. Inner Daks is forever the akward, too tall, under-developed 13 year old who lived inside books and used to write poetry about killing herself while Outer Daks is this extremely confident person flitting from event to event and living this great life which honestly seems unreal most of the time. Its like since I turned 18 or so I've been living outside my body, like I'm this essence hovering over myself and just observing, like the person I'm looking at who loves fashion and people and life and love and family is someone else.........

Most of the time I try to imagine what will finally make the two personalities mesh and become one; will it be my soul mate, an experience, a tragedy, loss?

There is so much more I'd love to write but can't because it would be like ripping of an entire layer of skin....slowly, leaving the dermis exposed for everyone to see and that is something I simply cannot bear. For anyone to know that I can be weak, afraid, unsure, awkward, irresponsible.

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago and it seems to suit my frame of mind now perfectly.

Even when we are not happy, we smile
Because our strength comes from within
Like a steel rod rammed up our anus'
Through our spines
Into our brains
Forcing us to walk tall even when we feel like shit
Forcing us to stand erect even when we want to lie down and let the world march upon our backs
Yes we are strong
Powerful beyond belief
This is why you shall never see us cry
We shall never show fear
Dying inside but
outwardly inscrutable
We are invincible
But every night, when sleep lies like a suffocating blanket on the world
When every shadow is like an enemy bent on murder
When Hades heaves up its bowels and spills them onto the earth
We lie in our beds
Weeping blood and sweat and tears
Weeping terror
For we are weak

Love and light xxx
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31 comments

  1. Wow! Your waka this summer is sweet. Only you? Enjoy life jor.
    I feel you on that working under 20 hours a week p...nonsense! Did you finally get the job at zara abi where did you say again?

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  2. The end of the post was actually very endearing. I think most people that look like have it together on the outside have those doubts or insecurities on the inside, but are afraid to show or to about it.

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  3. Amazing post..
    Random,yet interesting.
    Enjoy ur waka mehn.. Time waits for no man.
    Definately looking forward to meeting u when u come into lagos at a random event.
    :)

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  4. Your summer's definitely going to be awesome....there's hope for mine sha cos I'm one of those people who don't plan so early for stuff like that.

    You and Neks look like little girls. :$..

    Even when we are not happy, we smile
    Because our strength comes from within.. #beautiful.

    Also you didn't say nothing bout starting your dissertation.

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  5. nice post! lol @ your mom and villa runs.

    random...isn't Mbadiwe from Aro? no connection i know, but I just thought that was funny.

    i'm an aro babe myself

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  6. WOW... YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US, WITH FEELINGS AND DESIRES!

    I'm sorry, but I don't mean that as an insult. You usually come across stoic, unapproachable, and somewhat stuck-up, as if you won't have any dealings with anyone outside your economic class.

    It's nice to see you let your guard down with this post.

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  7. @one of the various anonymous users that said she comes across as stoic, unapproachable.... I have some questions for you, Have you ever spoken to her before you made your assumptions? Did you ever stop to think that maybe she is just shy/quiet/awkward? ....People will just sit down and assume nonsense in their heads about someone they have never spoken to and pass judgment. What if you get to know her and she turns out to be one of the best friends you will have in life?

    E dey pain me because i get judged like this, before people get the chance to meet me one-on one. Yes i don talk am...err now back to the post, i like ur waka abeg ride on.

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  8. I have to say if you're a professional agbaya, then I have a doctorate in agbaya and then rose to become the CEO & Chairwoman of the company that manufactures agbaya!

    If you don't mind, I'm going to combine my comments to all 3/4 past posts in this one.

    On New York!! Ahh, how I miss my lovely America...land of proper Mexican food and consistently hot summers.

    On your earrings...awesome, although I don't think I'm fierce enough to pull them off (image of Ted in red cowboy boots on How I Met Your Mother just flashed across my mind).

    On your summer plans...how I miss when being a student!! Traveling, hanging out, an existence unburdened by (office) work and funded by people other than myself.

    On the end bit of this post...lovely; reminds me of my older sis also the very glamorous, bubbly, popular type (I have been and likely always will be 100% nerdtastic). We all have multiple facets to our selves. It is most likely they will never merge, but it is that dichotomy that keeps us interesting.

    Enjoy your summer!

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  9. finallyme.blogspot.comJune 14, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    i enjoyed every bit of this post

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  10. i enjoyed every bit of this post

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  11. loved the poem baby..see you in all the months...LOL..We are doing this!!!!!
    *miss my nneksbaby too...*

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  12. i'm one of those who think like that... i want it, i get. i've got a book titled 'the secret' basically talks about the universe working according toyour thoughts or something.

    love the poem, sums up what most young girls go through. i was such a deep little girl,i buried myself in books and i loved to write. i was this pretty girl on the outside, everyone throwing a compliment and on the inside i was so insecure about my looks and everything. thank God for saving me from myself.

    i am a certified mummy's handbag too:)

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  13. Lovely poem. Writing is really therapeutic! I'm totally for the universe arranging itself to suit you!!

    Adiya

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  14. Aww Daks I feel you on not being able to write somethings on here....It sucks...I still have a journal.

    Looks like a fun summer all around! I am envious!

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  15. Maybe you should block Anons, I tire

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  16. i luv dis post n i luv u daky daks.

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  17. Oh my goodness! Anon 10:43 that has to be the most ridiculous statement ive read in a while. lol "You are just like the rest of us, with feelings and desires"??? is she a robot?? lmao! i cant abeg.

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  18. I pray that with time, the two only become one. I'm going to flip your words on their head and say "for we are weak, we are invincible". enjoy you everyday, let both personas flourish unapologetically.
    besides, i like personal stories the most, I feel like I can tap into your essence more clearly.... LOL, that sounded all kinds of #homo!

    anyhow, i'm seriously jealousing your vacation itinerary, na wa ooo! this is not fair at all. I can only hope and pray that I smell naija in december. May the Universe do it for me too, amin.

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  19. enjoy dey go o jaaare!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ndu dimma.........

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  20. Great itinerary. I'm jealous.

    Whatever it is, ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))
    *that's supposed to be a big hug*

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  21. i sooooo envy you right now, iv always wanted to go to austria. Have fun!

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  22. The poem touched me and I just had to leave this. Take care.

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  23. first post of yours I am reading (thanks to bella naija)....and I'm liking you already!

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  24. I truly love this post and the poem is simply great! It reminds me of the poem I wrote in my teens at certain stage in my life. It is ok to pour your heart out, someone can always learn and be inspired by it.

    Again, you don't have to mesh the two personas. Let both flourish.

    I need to get on your vacation train :) Please cut the Aro trip short because I might have to be your handbag in Lagos in December ;)

    xoxo
    Uzo

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  25. Adaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I Loooooooooooove this piece. "Cockroach budget"

    Tinuke Kolade

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  26. Adaaaaaa, Kai, I looooooooooove this piece "Cockroach budget".

    Ha ha ha

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