Friday, October 31, 2008

HAPPY ALL HALLOW'S EVE

This terrifying image I'm revealing to my loyal readers is Henrietta Okpaleke, without her regular Henrietta mask on. You see people, for years she has deceived us, walking around like a regular person while concealing this frightening visage you are now beholding. Yesterday being the day before Halloween, she decided to come clean and sent me this picture so I could reveal it to the inhabitants of Blogville. "I am tired of hiding behind a mask, I want to be free to show my real self in hopes that people will look beyond my outer freak to the beautiful person inside" she said.

Henry we love you, even though Afam might not after seeing this, but we do

Its a lie o, peep Henry in all her babeliciousness
Happy Halloween to you and you and you and especially you, LOML, HTIL and TBSIEH, love you. xxxx

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

AND HERE YOU HAVE IT

Methinks I made a mistake by adding the word 'fashion' to my blog title because I've been getting a lot of flack about the apparent lack of fashion content. Someone actually told me that they don't go online to read about my personal life. What people don't understand is that its MY blog, mine and no one else's, I can decide to name it "Observations Of The Primitive People's Of The Lower Niger By Fouta Djalon" and then fill the blog with pictures of cream cakes and how to prepare them and there's nuffink you or your mama can do about it.

But due to popular demand and because I'm a very nice and obliging person and also because you knowthat I know fashion, I'll start gradually with what i think is hot for F/W 08, at least what I'm wearing sha. Its too bad if noone can wear them, its not my fault my body's made for clothes.
GEEK CHIC - Check out Kanye looking FLY! I love his college don look, its been seen on a number of notable faces including Agyness Deyn [ who in my opinion would wear anything and I mean anything]. Geek chic is taking Hollywood by storm with its most prominent face as Mr College Dropout himself. I'm thinking this is probably influenced by his new album 808's and Heartbreak which is a departure from his usual sound, not too radical though as Mr West has always been a bit out there, but definitely not his usual. Would have loved to jump on the bandwagon but have never really been into the whole looking stupid on purpose look [ never stopped me before though].
Shawn Carter had to go and do follow follow. Seriously I don't think it suits him, Jay Z wasn't built for the ridiculous, he should stick to his Mafia Don type suits. But who am I to talk I'm not married to him, if Beyonce can allow him out of the house like this then i guess its all good
LATEX LEGGINGS - First saw these on MIA in her video "Paper Planes" and slowly went insane for almost a year waiting for them to be sold everywhere. J'taime these leggings, but you know I had to be different, got the high waisted ones from American Apparel. One word, FIERCE!
THE JUMPSUIT - All in one never looked so good, rock a longer version a la Farrah Fawcett in the 70's or if you're more daring the shorter style a la me at Molly P's do. Since I'm not as daring, had to call in my grey patterned tights to cover up my modesty and keep my bride price from falling
ARCHITECTURAL SHOES - Celebrate the weird and the wacky this year. Unleash your inner Morticia Adams
OXFORD BOOTIES - Seen here on the ever fabulous SJP. Can also work as part of a geek chic look, but due to popular demand, they're becoming more chic than geek
WAYFARERS - The almighty Ray Ban wayfarers worn by the almighty Kate Moss
Had to get in on the act even though mine are from f21

THE KIFAYAH - As seen here on model of the moment Coco Rocha
Also in place on yours truly with one of my besties Nwabugo. Was told I look like a CNN Sudanese correspondent by that great yarner Nnamdi aka Baldy, not funny
THE FLARED MINI - Forever 21 is an absolute star when it comes to this, they have a gazillion styles. Extremely flattering on all body types but I might be wrong so please invest in a high powered mirror before rocking this.
COLOURED TIGHTS - For me a 2008 winner, I can't get enough of them. H&M do great ones in every size, which is wonderful for me because I have legs up to my elbows and its really difficult to get tights that are the right size. Wild out at H&M, $3 a pack.
HAREM PANTS - Pink diaphanous harem pants Andreas Melbostad Spring 09. Love, love, love the harem pant. The only disadvantage is you have to be of the long and lean variety to rock it, chunky thighs and short legs need not apply.
SEQUINED DRESSES - Blue sequined mini dress by Alice + Olivia. Sequined dresses can never go out of style as evidenced by their re-emergence decade after decade, just throw one on even without accesories = instant glam
worn here by Sarah Jessica Parker and Emma Roberts, who wore it best?


photo credits - glamour.com, selectism.com, express.com, instyle.com, fashionising.com, elle.com, msnbc.com, kaboodle.com, fabsugar

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MUMMY

JUST BEFORE I DID A BUNK FROM BWARI

50 AND STILL A MILF
My darling, amazing, gorgeous, fantastic, fabulous etc, etc, etc, etc mother was 50 yesterday and due to mtn's fuckupitis I couldn't wish her happy birthday on my blog, pschew, mummy dont mind them jare.

And one of my QC ninja's Aunty Yoko Ngwube also got a a step closer to the grave yesterday. Happy belated birthday luv.

And the one and only Interactor Hilda Morah, lol, is twenty-something today.

Anyhoo I escaped today and i'm back in Abuja so hopefully that means regular posts, yaay for me who never gets tired of seeing my words on the screen and boo for all of you who have been praying for me to get tired and stop clogging up cyberspace. Sucks to all y'all.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

PISSED AND GETTING WORSE BY THE MINUTE

So I left the comfort of my cousin's house today for the horrors of hostel dwelling in Bwari. After a hair raising [it is inconsequential that my real hair is tightly woven to my scalp, my weave rose] drive on narrow roads and hairpin bends, stopping once so that a Fulani herdsman and his cattle [I swear] could cross the road, I arrived at that citadel of learning that is the Nigerian Law School. My room mate hadn't arrived so I welcomed myself by hanging my rosary over my bed, placing my Pieta prominently on the table and spraying holy water liberally around the room. The view outside my window is frankly terrifying and being that the powers that be decided to post me to this village instead of Ozumba Mbadiwe where the sound of traffic would have lulled me to sleep, I refuse to sleep alone in this room without necessary precautions.

I hadn't checked facebook all day or looked at my blog all day either so I was looking forward to a nice long internet session, going through my favourite blogs, reading people's stats on fb especially that of the latest Nigerian to relocate to the US *wink wink*, checking out people's pictures and beefing them heavily, you know, the usual stuff. I unpacked, opened my laptop, clicked on mtn 'fastlink' [an error in naming if I ever saw one] and the bloody thing wasn't connecting, my heartbeat quickened but I tried to stay calm and I tried again, no show. I started to sweat, I shut down my computer and tried it again, for where. I swear blood rushed to my head, the room swayed, I couldn't believe it. I called mtn customer service and spent 13 mins and 28 secs listening to 'true colours' by Phil Collins which I absolutely detest. This being the month of Mother Mary I had been steadily chanting Hail Mary since this wahala started, when like a miracle I saw welcome to facebook on my screen, but i celebrated too soon, the connection is as slow as f**k, as I write this its taken me exactly 8 mins and 17 secs to open this page.

But I'm a Sunday's child so forever optimistic, e go better or else someone's going to get cut. he, he, he.

p.s. would have posted a picture of my room, but its to grotty to even consider, i've tried to beautify it and all but honestly Martha Stewart couldn't do shit in here.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

ALLOWEEN PARRY

The perennial favourite, the french maid
Peep the witches broom, lol
OMG!
LOL
Where's Moby Dick at?
Female Muhammad Ali. Honestly at this point I nearly had to be hospitalized
Policewoman in pleather, I no fit shout

I'm not trying to knock these folks, they tried and all but it was still funny as hell. Good night's entertainment though.
Exactly 6 days, 3 hours, 20 minutes and 4 seconds ago, I left my beloved Gidi to continue the farce of pretending to be a responsible adult and moved to Abuja to attend law school for a year. That grim Monday morning as I was dragged kicking and screaming into Chachangi flight sumthin, sumthin by burly airport officials while my traitorous other half stood at the sidelines shouting go! go!, I took a moment to reflect on those things which will be sorely missed

1. The beautiful cacophony of noise e.g. car horns, insults e.t.c
2. Okada riders
3. 5 hour drive from the mainland to the island
4. The 7 hour drive back
5. Risking certain death by leaving the island at midnight to avoid said 7 hour drive
6. Glazed doughnuts from Chocolat Royale
7. Cactus meals (even though they left I and the boyfriend significantly worse for wear)
8. Astronomical taxi fares.............

But seeing as I have to become a Barrister or suffer disembowelment by my parents, plus my school fees had already been paid [and 220k is not moin-moin] I had to go on. I'm not saying Abuja isn't as cool as Lagos, no scratch that, its not as cool as Lagos but i'd only been there twice and i'd never stayed past 3 days, but now i'm here for 365 big ones [technically 331 but who's counting]. Anyhoo I have now been here for almost a week and it actually is pretty cool, its plus's being

1. The prescence of my mad, mad, MAD cousins
2. You can circle the whole of Abuja in an hour, no joke. I cant even get from Omole to Allen in an hour
3. No potholes, Gidi indigenes are definitely used to bad roads, whats a bump or two in the scheme of things? But i think i could get used to going from point A to point B without jarring my spine
4. NO TRAFFIC, except in extra special circumstances
5. Shagalinku, my kilishi haven
6. Funny enough hardly any sirens, you would think that this being the capital city it would be overrun by them since in Lagos everybody and their mama carries a portable siren wherever they're going, but i've barely heard anything, makes you think
7. Streetlights. I know Lagos is getting there burt nothing beats Yar-Adua's hood at its floodlit best
.8. Aaand... [drumroll please]...... Last but certainly not the least, TWO HUNDRED NAIRA CABS!!! I nearly wept when I saw that [Amadioha will definitely be getting some yams this year]. I can't remember the last time I took a cab for 200 naira in Lagos, probably when i was in QC and I and my fellow partners-in-crime legged it from school to go to party central in Alaka estate. I mean 200 naira can't even get me out of my estate, someone needs to give these people an award.

I haven't really sampled the nightlife seeing as person don dey age and that BL must be gotten by all means. But last night seeing as it was Friday and the green light had been given by the boyfriend, I and the family decided to see what the p was. First of all we went to a 'costume party' [and i use that word very loosely]. I applaud their creativity but honestly I wan laugh die, there were all sorts. You know i had to record it for posterity. Then from there to some place called Subterranean which was actually really cool, it had sort of a 6 degrees North meets Volar kind of thing going. Then to Tuccano's [hope i spelled that right] which was sorta La Casa with a dash of Y-Not, ho's and all and then Kryxtal, straight up K's place, nuff said.

Finally us party animals [Bob, Ella, Ogundu, Deera] had had enough and decided to mosey on back home, thankfully because by then i was practically being carried from place to place. Bonjour Abuja, Au Revoir Lagos.

Lest I forget, Happy 18th to my uber-delish finally legal cousin, Ogundu

Friday, October 24, 2008

LE DEBUT

I'm not going to board the cliche express and gush about how i've always wanted to start a blog because i haven't, this was completely on a whim. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, i posted "i'm going to start a blog" as my stat on facebook and then i did just that, i started a blog. its taken me exactly 11 years to start a diary of any sort, even an online one since youknowwho read my diary in JSS2 and told everyone what was in it, [Sole you know yourself] i've upgraded seriously since then, from an NPA 1997 diary i got from my mother's office to a HP Pavilion tx2000, its so cool to be an adult.
I realise the title might be a tad misleading, i'm not here to talk about fashion or to track the latest in Spring/Summer 09 [btw Diane Von Furstenberg SS/09 resort wear is absolutely fantastical]. But i digress, this is more like my daily bitchfest, maybe a little fashion thrown into the mix to keep people from nodding of, but basically my life [at least the PG13 version].
So if you expect the usual blog content of ex-rated sexual high jinks or pictures of Nigerian "VIP's" [and i put that in quote because you aint VIP until the doorman at the 40/40 club knows your name, not when you're on intimate levels with the bouncer at La Casa], or entertainment news, then please assert your right to close my page before your bad belle rises its ugly head, bacause in spite of what you might think i'm very immature and do not entertain insults in the form of constructive criticism.
Anyhoo, nuff said. Bienvenu!